Numb

This is one of those ramadans that I have been bad, and it really bothers me. When you spend some of it abroad it kind of numbs you! Well some stronger believers do not suffer from that but I did. I confess it is easier here to fast between millions of fasters and a supportive family that has a delicious table ready at sunset. It is easier to fast when the national television has prepared shows that make the day slip through your fingers if you stay home and decide to be lazy. But still it is not easy. Atleast for those with low blood pressure and anemia, it is not easy. When you grow up with a role model who prays and reads a lot of Quran and fasts like it was not an option not to,  it is  easy as a child to develop that need for unity with God and to find your self doing the same naturally. But it is weird how different you behave once you separate from all the things that remind you of that. 

Yesterday I was alone in the house and three times I was going to faint, I rise from my bed to open the door, someone is there, all I see is black. My ears stop sensing sound, my feet start tingling and I get dizzy like I am about to fall. That happened three times, out of weakness I can not function and like a sick old lady I can not move all day, and it does not get much easier after the sunset. For those of you who are not familiar with the fast, many people can function fine and they can do everything really well, it really is just me.  

Some one told me not to fast and that my sickness does not serve the world or God and that I should help people instead, do something good for the world. It really makes sense if you think of it, but I can not do that. Especially that I did not fast in America or Serbia so I could not live with my self like that. So what if I can not function, so what if I am almost fainting? So what if I suffer a little? It is only one month isn't it enough that I am numb? that I didn't do all the things I am used to doing?

I wasted the precious month, I wasted so many chances, caught up in my eternal coma, knocked out all day and night, still jet lagged in my cursed body, useless and earthly. So chained up in my physicality, I do not even drink or smoke, what is it that destroys me so much? How could simple foods be so important? How did all our ancestors do it? How did they get through it?

Someone I love is fasting with me and to me it means the world and beyond that we share the suffering.

 Last year I was better, what happened to me? Why am I so numb? So disappointed in my self, so surprised at how far I have drifted when I promised not to drift, not to be so distant.