Bye Bye America

Today is my last day in the great America. 

Im starting to wonder if it is so great.

Every where there is the happy and the sad the good and the bad.

To every place there is the beauty and there is also the ugly face.

It depends on where you are comfortable.

My favorite place in California was little italy does that tell you something about my love to Italy?

My obsession with food here is driving me mad, no wonder obesity is an american problem.

Yesterday I had my favorite thing on earth: Italian Pasta al dente with tomato sauce, just like they do it in italy.

As I tasted it and closed my eyes I could feel my self fly to Milan the mother of pasta!

Nothing beats the Italian pasta, nothing compares. 

In San Francisco everything shines, The sun kisses the streets every day and refuses to set until eight in the afternoon. The city on the hill is magical with little edible houses that whisper the words love and freedom as they stick to each other. Pink and baby blue, white and beige, are the colors of the two story houses that are beautifully aligned  through out the hill. And as you go up the hill you look behind you and you see the world's most beautiful bridge connecting two wonderful places and serving as a man made wonder not only a means of transportation.

Whenever a great city is spread on a beach, it is magical. All my favorite places and the most fun people live in cities where the smell of the sea fills the air. Something is common between Rio, Beirut and San Francisco neighboring a beach makes the people generally happier, more creative and more free.

Downtown San Francisco is like New York on Zanax, it is just a chilled out friendlier virsion of New York. It is a lovely city, it is not as plastic and spread out as the city of angels. Whenever people are able to wear flip flops in their city their attitude changes and they are freer happier people. San Francisco is the place for artists, those with the hippy hearts. Yoga studios every where, people wearing t-shirts with peace signs on it. Almost everyone has a tattoo, and everyone is doing their thing no body interferes.

As I saw the amazing architecture of the glorious San Francisco I remembered downtown cairo and I started crying, not a lot just a few tears, we have great architecture why did they have to ruin it with all the shoe stores? Isn't there any rules? No designer? No one from the officials actually cares about the beauty of Cairo? The governor of Alexandria did some great work he was able to fix the disaster, why is it that no one is willing to fix Cairo? My heart ached and I wished from all the great people we know someone could use their contacts, use their wealth to save Cairo. By the Pyramids there could be a long promenade with cafes and music where tourists could come and spend the day and shop. The whole "Haram" district should not be allowed to have buildings higher than two stories and great hotels should open there. Little boutique hotels should also be available, it should be like south beach Miami. Has non of the great people in office considered the possibilities by the pyramids? Don't they know that we have a gold mine and we are ruining it with the sad buildings and the haphazard structure. The closest thing to the pyramids is KFC how magical is fried chicken, after one meets the great pyramids? Everything is mediocre and the sad part is many Egyptians are not mediocre we have geniuses who could change this place but they are all busy doing their own thing.Although Everyone will benefit from tourism.

Someone related to me is also visiting San Francisco, Tutankhamun is his name, everywhere you go in California you will see king Tut posters and pictures, they gave him more attention than they do back home. I felt a cosmic reason for both our stays in California at the same time. He was trying to tell me something, he was sad! He too left Egypt he could not take what the Egyptians did to his land. I also understood something else from his presence in San Francisco. He almost sent me a message with the wind, he told me the Americans are now the Pharos of this world. He told me that Egypt is an old tired country with people who destroyed it over thousands of years, he told me stop crying and realize that when your Egypt was as old as the Great America, it was great too, it was even greater. He told me that in the beginning it is easy to be amazing since everything is fresh, he told me to wait and see after thousands of years what will happen. He told me not to give up and that there are so many people like me who want to change things, who want peace beauty and freedom back on the great land of Egypt.

I figured king Tut is right America is a toddler who started where everybody else stopped, maybe we can not compare, as things go down and hit the ground there is no where else to go but up. And I'm sure Egypt will rise someday from the ground. I missed Cairo after only one month of being gone, it is the longest time we have been apart. 

Cairo is like Cocaine, it can kill you if you overdose and you are not used to it, it is bad for your health, it is bad for you, only the addicts like it. I'm addicted to Cairo. My friend told me to kiss the L.A ground when I get there, but I could not, what I want to do is kiss the dirt on the ground of Cairo, the place that chokes me and traps me, yet still I love every bit of it.

Bye Bye Great America, 

  

CLeopatra and the evil stores

I am tired of being manipulated by the stores.

I am tired of being hypnotized to the cashier.

In disney land it seems completely rational to buy a mickey mouse pink watch.

In victoria secret is seems only natural to buy a black lacy night gown.

In abercrombie and fitch it seems natural to get a grey cotton ordinary t-shirt.

Every thing makes sense in the store. 

I hate it, it is all there shiny and stacked smelling good looking good with the music and the friendly sales girl that thinks everything will look incredibly cute on me.

I hate it most when the top has a word I would say, it feels like they did it for me.

They are so friendly in the store but back home the top or watch turn old very fast right after you buy the next thing.

It is endless the things in the store.

the last top I saw in juicy said "for nice girls who like things" I thought that is exactly me, and then I thought wait a minute, things? Thats the worst way to manipulate using my weakness like this.

I am sick of shopping, I do not want to see more stuff, I do not want to want more stuff.

I will stay home, at home I am safe.   

We are all Babies by design!!

Human beings are so vulnerable little things can destroy them. They need so many things to keep them going, in order to live a normal, hygienic, and happy life. We need to stay clean and our bodies work against that every single day. We need to eat and then we need to go to the bathroom. I think this whole digestive system is manufactured to put our ego down. We are creatures of dirt not light, we are weak with bodies that scream for so many desires.

We are all big babies we need sleep or else we can not function, personally when I am so hungry sometimes I cry, and then there is warmth: we need to be warm, we need to be held, we need love. Babies are very pure, they have angels around them making them giggle as they stare at the ceiling. So do not be ashamed of it the purest of us are those with the baby hearts.

Whenever someone gets on your nerves remember that they were a clueless pooping baby once, remember that they need all the things you need and that they are so vulnerable too, if they act like they have their s%@t together, they are just acting, remember that anytime they can trip and fall too, they need to use the bathroom too, they get nightmares too, and a long time ago they needed to be burped!

We are all babies, deep inside, in the end, and some of us can not hide it, that is not necessarily a bad thing.

CLeopatra's Confessions

confessions:

I ate popcorn with butter on it!!

I could not fast more than two days in the states my body was collapsing.

My father ordered me not to fast here and make up the days I skipped when I go back to Cairo,being a good daughter, I just had to listen. The sun set at eight is something my anemic body can not handle. 

 

I went to the dentist here in California, for a normal cleaning, and I feel like I have been betrayed.

I have a wisdom tooth that he found, he said it had to be removed. That is very common, however I kind of had a deal with my teeth; other people go through this, but not me, not me and my teeth. I always hear a friend say I just got my tooth removed and I am in pain, I was always sympathetic and I always wished them well, however deep inside I always thought, this could not happen to me. 

I guess thats how it is with life when things are fine you look around and find others with problems, you feel sympathetic, you support them, and you feel like in a weird way it will not happen to you, until it does. When it does you remember when your friend or relative told you about it, and how you somehow dismissed it after a while, now it is completely different being in the situation exactly.

You feel betrayed that some kind of deal with circumstance was broken. You are disappointed , you are scared, you realize it could be a lot worse, you try to find a silver lining, you try to create a worse scenario  so you can accept this one. You try to understand what you should learn from it. You deal with it, you have to go through with it, you put a smile on to comfort the ones you love. It passes, you realize that it was not as bad as you thought it would be, painful of course, but you are proud of yourself for going through with it with grace. And when you are in bed and you can not go out all that matters is those who will come to visit, and the people who love you who are around you and support you. You feel bad for all the times you did not pay enough attention to them, for all the times you put other things first, for all the times you were mad at them, and you hate yourself for not being there for them before. You promise your self that when you get better you will change, you will do more effort, and be a better human being. You find out who your true friends are and how family should always come first. You thank God for making this too pass, you promise God you wont drift so far when things get better, that you wont get distracted once you leave this bed, once you are back on your feet. And when you are better, you forget all your promises, you drift, you are distracted, your priorities get mixed up again, and you are back to square one, at least I am. That is what happens with me, not just when I realize I have to remove my wisdom tooth but many other times too.

Being alive you just have to face it, endure it, wait for things to change, see the lining, or else you wont be able to go through with it. 

Let me entertain you

The things you hear on the radio in california:

1. Rap

2. A debate about wether people should pee in the shower to save flushed water or if it is more hygienic to stick to  the toilet?

3. Some conservative guy broadcasting his hate to Obama and all liberals.

4. Some Liberal guy mocking the conservatives.

5. A woman's soft voice saying "Please pray for the Jews in Jerusalem"

6. A lot of news about terrorists, Afghanistan, and muslim phobics expressing their fear.

7. Rock and Roll.

8. Classic Jazz Music

9. Cheesy new songs with lyrics like this: "Babe I'm just a guy with a lot of cash waiting to spend on you."

that was just the radio.

In the movie theaters there are so many movies worth seeing:

1. 500 days of Summer. ( A classic, Romantic comedy that reminds you of Woody Allen's masterpieces)

2. Funny People. ( An insightful comedy about mortality discussing the personal lives of comedians and behind all the dark jokes is a deep moral to the story)

3. Spread ( Ashton Kutcher's latest movie about the nature of life in L.A and specifically one young man's karmic journey, sleeping his way to get the life he wants)

4. Julia and Julie. (Meryl Streep's masterpiece, a feel good movie, where Meryl Streep dazzles the audience again with another oscar winning performance, prepare to leave the movie with an appetite for life).

5. The Ugly Truth. (A witty romantic comedy that keeps you giggling and blushing too.)

All the movies I have seen lately are my favorite kind, fun, light, artistic, insightful and the best thing about them you do not leave the movie sniffing and wiping your tears. They are all happy movies, not all through out of course but mostly.

None of the above movies has in anyway emotionally abused the viewer, there was no blood and my favorite part is there were no buildings falling and there were no children injured in them. All these movies are what movie making is about; creating good art!

Movies coming up that you should not miss:

1. couples retreat. ( 2 words: Vins Vaughn)

2. Love Happens. (also 2 words: Jennifer Anniston)

The order in which I put them is random. They were all great productions that I enjoyed watching to the fullest. It was a full movie experience, it was an escape, it was fun, it was joyful, it was hollywood!

Thank God for Good movies! 

Cleopatra knows a little

To all my girls:

If it doesn't feel right then it is not right. It is really that simple. If your gut tells u not do it, do not do it! It should feel right whatever it is. Going out with him for a coffee should feel right. The moment he approached you, remember that? before he spoke a word, did u feel good about him?

If it is marriage, if you are thinking twice: RUN!!

Because when it is right it feels right from the first second! Not after two weeks of persuasion. Not after he swore he is not what he is known to be. Not after two weeks of him acting like someone he is not. Remember the first feeling you felt when you saw him, before your mind thought, and before you asked your friends about him. 

 Your body knows more than your mind, trust it! Be bold! 

If it did not feel right for him he would have ran too. We all have our doubts but if your doubts are most of your alone time.If it is keeping you up at night, then there is definitely something wrong. Also if you are considering the possibility of divorce, before marriage, and thinking: If it does not work out we can always get a divorce, know that you are in trouble. The meant to be couples never consider it.

Be brave Stay only if it feels good to stay! There are no favors when it comes to ever after.

 

A wise man once told me a word of advice on taking big decisions:

Ask your self four questions:

1. Will it hurt me?

2. Will it hurt someone.(if you are thinking I will hurt him if I leave him you wrong because you are really doing him a big favor staying true to your self and him)

 If the first two answers are yes you go on to ask the next two:

3. Will I learn something?

4. Is it fun?

If the last two answers are yes you should definitely do whatever it is you are hesitant about.

If the only thing stopping you is fear and what will they say. Know that they will talk but only for a short time because they always find something else. No body stays unhappy out of fear of gossips. In the end everybody does what is fair to them what makes them happy.

And if he always makes you cry and is acting like he does not care, you do not need a gut feeling to show you signs of major trouble. It is not normal, not all couples are like that, and he will not change, and he has no excuse!

Starting to sound a bit like get it he is not into you, but seriously: Get it he is not into you!

Trust your instinct as cliché as that sounds.

This is not first impression bu%$ s&*#, it is the second before that.

Be brave, you will know when it feels right, it will be so different! 

"Feed the soul, let the body fast" Rumi

The more we are deprived the more we long for what we can not have.

All I could think of is food while fasting here in Palo Alto.

The day is longer than the day back home. The Sun sets very late.

The whole city shines for so many more hours than back home.

I can do nothing when I am fasting, I can say nothing when I am fasting, I can only lay down 

and close my eyes, breathe in and out. However I am enjoying my helplessness, I am enjoying the empty feeling in my stomach, in a sadistic way I am enjoying the pain of hunger and separation from all that I crave. I am enjoying being an obedient slave to my creator, separation from all my body's comfort zone is giving me a buzz. I am light headed, I am easily breakable, I am vulnerable, I am tired but I love it. I'm feeling a bit heroic doing it here when the day is longer when everybody else does not. It is a bigger test that until now I think I am passing.

My beautiful mother told me maybe I have low blood pressure to be so tired , I guess she is right, all the blacking out must be for a reason. I am enjoying the different life here, however I miss my family and all our family traditions. I guess I have my own beautiful family now, which is weird because I have always been the youngest part of a bigger family. I have always been one of the passengers never have I been one of the crew. 

Everything is more beautiful here, the food, the trees, the air, the water. If only all our loved ones would come here. If only life was not always either or, if only there was not always something pinching your happiness in the back reminding you of other things missing.

Nothing is perfect, life is not perfect, no one can have it all, this is why it is temporary, it is not it, it is too painful to be heaven and too beautiful to be hell, this is life on earth. Bits of happiness, bits of sadness, bits of both, and a lot of sleep. If sleep is the smaller death like they call it then maybe death is comfortable in the end, you do not feel a thing.

why am i talking about death? maybe because it is not the worst thing. Maybe life and death are two ends of the same coin and I should try to accept that. The more you love the people you love the more you fear losing them. Love is fear.

Happy Birthday Money B

They did not tell me when it was your birthday.

They all called you except me, I am very sorry.

I hope you had a happy one. Your home town keeps

calling your name. It is so great to have a brother like you.

I hope the public apology makes up for my lack of information.

Thank you for following me.

Happy Birthday Best Bro ever!

Cleopatra from Palo Alto

Egyptian traditon

Here I am in Suburban California where everything in the world is.

In the middle of the coolest state ever, thinking I wish we had Egyptian television.

Out of all the charms of  the holy ramadan spirit in Egypt the common Egyptian like my self enjoys nothing more that the masterpieces of Egyptian and Syrian soap operas. Some people think watching soap operas is for losers. I disagree with all my heart and a shame on you look who ever you are thinking that. First of all it is only one month, second of all it is an art form. Deeply engrossed in the Egyptian identity is the affair we have with soap operas during ramadan.

The time of your life

In your twenties older people tell you " Enjoy it! it is the best time of your life"

And then they sigh remembering their twenties. I am tired of people telling me that. After a while it gets stressful because you do not know if you are enjoying it enough. you do not know what is expected of you.

The best time of my life is now? From now on everything goes downhill? You feel pressured to be happy, happier than you were two minutes before they told you. 

Many of my friends say high school was the best time, they say I wish I could go back. Personally I enjoyed it but I deeply wish it was not the best time of my life because it is behind me and because so much of it was not fun. Firstly being a night owl not one day did I get used to waking up early, it was painful to leave the bed every single day before the sun same up.

As time passes people tend to forget that at every stage of their life there were the happy times and there were the sad times. Unless there was a time when someone in your life depressed you continuously  all ages have their advantages and disadvantages. Being in school tests and exams used to freak me out, being younger bullies and disturbed classmates used to make it tough.

The best time of your life is whenever you chose it to be it could be those times that u are happiest put together through out years. Nobody is continuously blissful through out their twenties, nobody is capable of always being super happy.

I see grand parents often happier than me, I see two year olds enjoying life more than me. 

I wonder if it is true that in a certain age most people are happier? Or is it society's obsession with the youth that makes young automatically happier than ten years older?

I think peace of mind is the most important thing , I wish the whole world that! The mind that works to destroy your happiness is the worst curse. I wish I am happy and that I have peace of mind, me and all the good people of the world. 

cleopatra rebells

I refuse to watch the news today. I refuse to listen to depressing stories from strangers attempting to drain me. I refuse to carry everyone's pain on my back. I refuse to understand why my so called friend frowns all day. I refuse to be understanding to all those who think they can burden me with their sad faces. I will join an n.g.o to help people but from the lucky people I know I refuse to feel their pain. 

I have my share of problems too no one is born with a magic wand however I deal with it and learn to smile as I greet you. I refuse to listen to the manicurist's tragic personal story, I refuse to listen to someone complain about their life situation especially that I know for sure they can do something about it. I have made a deal with my self no more negative people those who make my stomach hurt when I see them and I start to wonder if it was me, if I did something to upset them.

Why is that I never give my self the right to burden someone with my frown and my pitiful why me situation? while others think it is their right? If there is a crisis I fully understand I will be your shoulder to cry on, other than that I do not think it serves the world or any one or yourself that you burden me with your frown.

About the recession who ever you are scaring the world and freaking everyone out. Your anxiety does not help me or anyone. 

Personally I believe this world we live in is an illusion, especially the one the t.v broadcasts. Especially the news I do not believe the news no matter how bad that it gets.

They scared the hell out of us with the swine flu and I do not see people's faces turning into pigs right now. They freaked us out like we will beg in the streets because of the damn recession, of course it happened but Egypt was not that affected. Part of being in the game is winning and losing, it is not like we went hungry, it is not like our children couldn't find clothes. Doesn't whatever goes down come up again? Why do we have to freak each other out? Ok a lot of people were laid off in the world. Unless you are one of them, unless you are starving I do not want to hear about it. Why is it that people love to share their miserable stories only.

I do not find anyone who says work is great we are doing so much better, Thank God we are making a lot more now. Maybe because in these times it is not true but what about before?

Nobody mentioned the prosperity.

I can remember everyone was also worried and dreadful when things were fine. And on a personal level how was your trip? It was ok! Very rarely do I hear: It was amazing!

Some one who just fell in love: How is he like? He is nice! 

nice? Is nice enough to sweep you off your feet?

 This is the case in egypt, unfortunately, however here in suburban California sitting at a cafe people watching and sketching and ears-dropping, all I hear is: "it was amazing", "we had a great time", "we are enjoying living here very much ", " I loved that movie".

In Cairo the norm is to complain. No one talks about the good stuff. Did you hear? I don't know who's daughter has cancer and is dyeing and the mother is being crucified in the hospital. That is what people enjoy telling. Did you hear? they raped this boy took his toes and made them sandwiches for rats and then tortured the rats and its on (el qahera el yom) or the cairo today show. People love to put you down, they love to share the bad news it gives them chills. Did you hear who got divorced? Did you find out why? because he is so rich that his money dropped from his ears and she was so bored of his cheating with other girls who are her friends by the way, and of course his drug problem and that he was gay! but do not spread the word, you  know I love the girl, really!! I do so please you did not hear it from me.

They enjoy rubbing it in your face as soon as they see you smiling, they have no idea how much damage they might be doing by spreading this. Who said you are ready to hear this? you are caught off guard and bam you get it when you least expect it, as you chew your pop corn walking into a movie. The pop corn hangs in your throat and you can not swallow and you wander what you are supposed to do with such information. You wonder if it fair that you go on to watch your movie, if it is was a comedy you start feeling guilty for laughing. You lose your smile the positive vibe you came with to the place. You know the world is a horrible place! Personally I prefer going to bed and ordering a pizza after I get these kinds of information. I need carbs for support and I want to cry in a closed space.

You also see a cunning smile on the face of the news spreader like they are proud they are the ones sharing it, yet they are sad for the victim, however they enjoy seeing your reaction as they steal your smile.

The richer or the more famous the victims of the story are the juicier it becomes, no body cares if your driver got a divorce, but if this couple that is always in  magazines' high society top notch glitter, glamour, sparkle, sparkle top five couples got a divorce, that gives pride to the story teller.

I hate  nothing more than the words high society or the "IT" couples, nothing awakens the thin hair on the back of my neck like that. You are invited to a party and it says high society's creme de la creme. Oh my God what is more nauseating? What about the rest of the people who were not invited are they all ugly ducklings? People dress up and go looking at each other wanting to be seen with subtle thoughts of: see me? see what I am wearing? I am the creme just like you are, we are the "it" people and what they do not know is how boring it is all. For how many years have the same faces dressed up stood like wood and stone checking each other out with scary eyes. Look who is going out with who now let us all stare and see exactly how she looks like and then lets go back home and tell the whole world who we saw with who and how much we think she is not even pretty.

Let us all be cold think twice before greeting people we know. Let us all see who can be more aloof because it is all complicated and the heavier you get on your seat the more prestige you have. Let us all kiss ass to the four people who are brand names now because they have bigger wallets. Let us all treat each other differently all based on how successful we are. Let us all stare at who ever dances at our nightclubs because we are all here just to stare and let us whisper and laugh. Let us all check out how big our diamonds are. Let us all forget that we used to fast in ramadan let us all just got to the (sohours) and dread that we can not drink, or better let us all drink in the holy month and have big parties! the more we deviate from our culture and traditions the cooler we are. Let us go to weddings and the moment we leave let us all talk about all the things we did not like at the wedding, because this is exactly why we  were invited. The bride and groom really want us to go out of the wedding and criticize all the different aspects. Let us all gather and criticize the dress, the flowers, the bride, and that some of the guests were veiled. If we used to like the groom or bride and it did not workout let us all go all out, and show them what they missed, because of course when they see us and our incredible extra skin revealed they will regret their choice. They will have nothing left to imagine let us show it all to them on their last night, maybe just maybe they will change their minds. Let us only dance to the english songs and let us not dare to know the lyrics to an arabic song.  Let us be CREME DE LA CREME and let all the other losers kiss ass to us.

Why oh why?

Zombie

Why is it that I am the only one who walks like a zombie when fasting?

I went to the yoga class today in Palo Alto with my sweet mother in law. 

May God bless her for she is a hero in my eyes. She was fasting too of course , being the religious person that she is. Today is the first day of Ramadan, and I woke up at twelve p.m. 

However she woke up at nine  cooked us a soup that filled the house with a delicious smell.

and as I got the energy to get out of bed she was already buying groceries. When she came back I got up to kiss her and of course I blacked out from standing up too fast. I told her if she would like to join me in the yoga class today. She agreed and we said we will go to the four p.m. class, as i got lost in lala land between messaging my family and staring at a tree in the garden, it was already time for class. She was ready and I was still in my p.js so I feel horrible for forgetting and I run up the stairs to get dressed. We make it on time both of us on our bikes. But on our way i found the road too long and my peddling was getting hectic. We park our bikes and go in the class. It is a different instructor yet it is the same studio that I love. It was kind of shocking to see a yoga teacher who is not in shape. Yet it was inspiring in many ways, the teacher was chubby and in no way the image of a yoga teacher. I wondered if it mattered how big you were in ordered to be good at yoga. It was another way to demonstrate how accepting the yoga culture is how understanding the standards are in Palo Alto. She was very flexible and she could do all the poses perfectly. I wondered if the extra fats helped her, since i have found it amazing that the slightly chubby students in all the yoga classes were extremely flexible. She started the class with telling us to sit in a very comfy pose where sand pillows supported us and a blanket hugged our feet. It was perfect, exactly what I needed. She had arabic music on with oud and drums and arabian moans and calls that I could not figure out but I was sure it was Arabic. from that pose she asked us to do more complicated tiring poses, from down ward dog to bending and having one leg of the floor to more. All poses that I could easily do before. However on this day I was a zombie, I could not go through with it. The fast change of poses and the heaviness of my body, were making it impossible. I retreated to  my second favorite position which was the child's pose which is very familiar to the muslim prayer pose: the sagda! 

I peeped to look at the rest of the class everyone else was doing fine, I figured of course they all had breakfast! And I turned to peek at my mother in law whom I thought would be as tired as I am since she is fasting too and she had been up earlier than me doing a million other things, to my surprise she was just fine God Bless her and give her all the strength.

Fasting was not the problem, I started getting flashbacks of my fasting days of school and how I used to walk slower than all my friends and sleep on the desk of last period. I was the only one who was drained. I also recalled my days as I worked with my father in his office during the holy month and I can remember how all the employees were walking, talking and working just like they do with breakfast. I was the only one almost fainting on the stairway taking it really slow. I remembered how I blacked out every time I got up. 

It was clear to me that something was wrong with me. As we left the class early because my mother in law figured I was not doing well, I told her I think she is a hero for enduring it and having the energy I looked for wood to touch. She told me that I was too young and that with years I will have stamina. I wondered if being young made you stronger or weaker?

I wondered why was I always a zombie during the fast, unlike many of the people around me, older and younger.

I do not smoke and I do not drink , why am I so tired?

I do drink coffee though, could all of this be the coffee factor?

I started to embrace the zombie that I am and be thankful for my will to fast even if it is not easy for me.

Some people are just born weaker than others, some people can go through the day with out food or drink and be fine and some have to lay down. I am what I am and thank God for that.

I feel empty and light and it is like I am in  a different state of consciousness, being so tired and hungry it is similar to getting high, you can not focus, you can not get things done, and for me I start laughing on things that were not so funny before the fast. You will also find me talking slowly and staring at nothing for long times.

The fast teaches you how vulnerable you are without the simple things you consumed in order to function. It teaches you to know the value of coffee and breakfast. It teaches you the value of an early lunch and how much fuel you get from that. May God be with the smokers and the addicts.

It makes you grateful for all the things you take for granted, the simple blessings of  food and drink. The more I fast the more my love for food increases.

Without food I do walk like a zombie and that is that. 

Peace and Joy

After a stressful morning,  I take my bike and my angelic mother in law leads the way in order for me to find my yoga class. I make it right in time, being the emotional personal that i am little things can start a flood of tears however small things can  also make me reach bliss faster than many others. So I find my inner peace in my favorite thing in this world: yoga!

life no matter how wonderful it can be, is full of suffering, once I drown in the yoga I close my eyes and I can breathe, and that eliminates the stress.

It was like the instructor has dropped from heaven, just being in her presence lifted you up. It was like she knew exactly how i felt when she turned on the amazing song with the amazing lyrics. Words so soothing so simple and so heart felt.

it was like the song was a personal dedication to me as self centered as it seemed, but anyone else could relate too. it was that moment when u know it is not coincidence that you hear these words now! it was my perfect way to embrace my ramadan!

the song was:

I am what I am and that is that

I am what I am and thank God for that

I am who you are imagine that

there is only one God and that is fact

God bless the children cause we love them

and then it repeats over and over like the most soothing mantra ever. This is the power of music when combined with meditation it takes you to a higher place. It is universal, I couldn't help it I had to tell the instructor what a beautiful song this was. She told me it is by a kundalini yogi. Kundalini is the type of yoga that is focused on spirituality and connecting with the higher power. 

 I started thinking of the beauty of saying these words and feeling them deeply. I am what I am and that is that. How many times have you felt apologetic for who you are? For what you believe in? How many times have you had to shrink to make others feel comfortable? How many times have you had tried pretending you didn't hear words that were said so you do not cry? How many times did you not say I am what I am and thank God for that! when you wanted to say it?

 The instructor put the same song again because she realized how much i loved it. So as we go to the corpse pose where we lay on our backs close our eyes and relax after all the different postures we have been doing. With her Angelic voice she says put your hand on your heart and know that you are not alone, you are supported!

She said imagine a golden light coming through the top of your head into your body through your crown chakra. I needed nothing more than to hear these words that I am what I am and that is that. I am what I am and thank God for that. That there is only one God and that is a fact!

So many times we are forced to keep quiet to go with the flow when so much of who we are is being molded into someone else and we just swallow our words back in our throats because we do not want to create a stir. That song set me free to be who I am to be one who loves my religion, one who loves God, One who loves all religions, one who puts peace above all and one who prioritizes freedom of worship. I pity those muslims who have to fast in a foreign country it is like holding on to coal. Those who fast in a country where the azan (the call of prayer) fills the skies, are truly blessed and fortunate. You are supported by the whole nation and everyone respects that. I heard Obama's message to Muslims for ramadan, if you had not you should, nothing is more touching. 

A man who respects other religions, knows what ramadan is, unlike many born muslims who do not, he prayed for us. I do not care if he taxes more, this man is a man of God, he said may peace be upon you in the end, he won us over, he showed us he understands.

Love is created whenever you show someone you understand, it is so easy to make people happy, just speak their language, show them you know where they come from. I love Obama so much because he is not after the power, he is not after the money, the man genuinely cares for world peace. 

The song was still playing saying everything I wanted to say and felt. I am who you are imagine that. When we close our eyes the world of differences and objects and you and me disappears. the only thing that remains is a world where we are all one. Once we stop thinking from our ego and we meditate: the sea becomes the same as the donut and you are the same as your neighbor, your dog and your sofa and your tree, we all become one. This is why group prayers are so powerful because you unite with so many and into the great one everything unites.

Ramadan spirit was spreading in the air of the yoga studio, I was feeling it already, a high that I only get from a spirituality level that is capable of filling me with bliss and joy.

I am what I am and thank God for that!

Ramadan Kareem 

Torn Cleopatra

Egyptians tend to be more emotional sentimental and easily won over by just a few words of sweetness. When dealing with an Egyptian all u need to do is give them a pat on the back

give them a look of appreciation, like u recognize their humanity. Just one nice word and a sparkly eye shines and a huge teethful smile appears.In return you will win his heart and gain a lot of prayers from him as he prays before he sleeps.

You will be the subject of his family on the dinner table in a good way. They think of a nation to be a monster until the new president comes and talks a few words in arabic. Wait a minute why am I saying "they"? Actually it is we!

We appreciate it so much when the west respects us.We never forget any good word about our country, our culture and our religion coming from a westerner.

It is so easy to win us over.

It is so easy for us to love u.

But we are very lazy.

We have very little ambition as a people.

We are very judgmental.

We have to comment an any one with a mild difference in appearance or attitude and we do need a strict leader to reform us.

When we are in any other country we follow rules like everyone else.

We even drive properly.

We have to complicate everything.

We can not live a simple life.

There are so many dynamics to our life in Egypt, that in the end we are depressed.

We think niceness is a weakness so we protect our selves.

If we are rich we live in a closed, closed society and we keep seeing the same faces over and over.

If we are poor we live to serve.

We want everything delivered to us at our doorstep.

We complain and complain about our situation and do nothing about it

We look up to those who are from us but started to lose our language

,anything coming from the west we adore.

We look egyptian, walk like egyptians, but we r so happy when people do not think we are egyptian when we travel.

We are so attached to our families that it is sick.

We spoil our children with a walking slave that is waiting for their every wish twenty four hours of the day, if we can afford it.

Our elite do not respect our celebrities and look down on them.

Sixty percent of our married couples end in divorce, because life in cairo is too complex.

Those who can be part of government and make a difference have given up a long time ago and are afraid of prison.

We alienate each other.

We love to laugh at one another.

We sing songs about Arab unity however do not identify as Arabs.

We are torn between the west and our culture and traditions

Most of us are kind but complexity has ruined our daily life.

We judge anyone with a different dress code or belief system.

Even the normal hello we managed to complicate it.

There are those who shake hands 

There are those who kiss, and there are those who wave from a distance.

You r stuck trying to find out which type of person you are faced with.

That is just the sad generalization.

I wish life in my country was easier, I wish it was simpler, I wish it was cleaner, I wish it was a life with no unnecessary complications.

I wish it was a life without a layer of dust on all our heads , without the intruders, without the gossipers, without the bullies, the synicals, the negative, the cowards, the close minded and the spectators who watch your every move and every thing u wear, with out the analaysers who think it is their job to analyse u and your every life choice.

I wish the egyptians would be the same fun people that they become when they travel. My sister said it there is no room for us in our country, I wonder if she was right.

CNBC

First I want to apologize for all the spelling mistakes

I get so caught up and as spontanious as I am I get a thrill from rushing to the publish post option.

I would just like to throw to the world the hateful feeling that I have to the damned CNBC

1. Why are they so loud?

2. why do they talk so fast?

3. what are all these numbers and graphs?

4. why are all the people on it obnoxious?

they have numbers on top

the have numbers on the side

they have numbers on the bottom 

and they are all monotonous energized with the a disgusting force

discussing the most boring topics in the universe

they celebrate bad news

they dance to recession news

they are the only ones who benefited from the recession

watching i get choked, it is nausiating , i want to live in a world that there is no specific channel dedicated to money

it is a disgusting channel

they speak a language i do not understand

they never smile

and the rest of my points are again they are too loud and they speak so fast and with tones of voices that make u want to vomit

they are capable of killing the romance in any relationship

please whoever u are watching "cnbc"

make sure u r alone

make sure the volume is low incase the neighbors hear it

do not tell people u watch

i think a porn channel would be more respectful

at least some people are happier after watching it

u who watches is, please change the channel!

Cleopatra and Ramadan

The Sufis see it differently, this might be a bit advanced for many and it might also be exactly what many believe. the Sufis think of their bodies as a container of God's light and in every way they try not to follow their desires in order to stay as pure and as light as they can.

the more they follow bodily wants and egoistic desires the farther they get from the path of light.

 

The Sufi is a lover of God and he or she does not follow orders out of fear, the Sufi is in a love relation with her or his creator, so pleasing God is an act of love.

The Sufi is not rigid, the Sufi is the mystic of Islam and most  religions have mystics.

Those who hold on to religion for the spiritual realm not the dos and donts

the Sufi is in an ever lasting passionate relation with the Divine and no one comes between them.

the Sufi doesn't worship God out of fear of the flaming hell, or in desire of his heavens, but only for a burning desire of union with God. Meeting God and going back to him like a drop of water that comes back to the endless ocean.

The Sufis sing to God and the prophet, the sufis whirl and dance to the light.

For the Sufi the Biggest hell is not to be thrown in the hell fire but that at the moment of death, which is when the body separates from from the spirit it is not an easy procedure, with every bodily desire with every egoistic desire a nail ties the body to the spirit, making it a painful thing to die.

Knowing that the body is only a container, a sufi tries always to defy the instinctive bodily wants. trying to stop the egos calls as much as possible.

the body is like the spirits spoiled child, the body wants to drink, the body wants to finish the chocolate cake, the body wants to kiss that stranger, however the mind and spirit hold it back. 

the more the body is like a horse and the spirit is like a skilled rider the more the spirit glows and the lighter u become, since u do not relate to your egos wants.

It might have been a long time since u have connected to the divine, however what u do not know is that when u stared i awe at that great mountain, when u looked at the color of the sky u have been praying and the eyes that notices beauty is the best worshiper.

Anyone can be a sufi, all u need is to fast out of love to make sure u still have the power over ur body.

someone loves u gave u everything he can give and asked u for one thing to show ur love back , and u chose the edible?

Why is it that in this life we want the best, the first class, however in the after we can settle with just the lowest heaven.

Personally I think it is a huge turn off to have a 100 percent practical person around, one who has no ambition in the spiritual realm.

You can be as open minded as u are and still work a bit on your glowing light inside, u can be as generous as u are with your money, but stingy when it comes to giving from ur bodily wants.

No judging please 

The sufis do not judge

It is just that i feel selfish when i know im getting all these benefits in my spirit and so many people are not

I'm no preacher, my dress code does not allow me to be.

I'm just a sufi lover shedding some light on the possibility of being who you are but trying just a little bit to polish ur heart from all the bodily wants.

Ramadan for beginners:

Ramadan Kareem

If u have no idea what that means, it means: may the holy month of ramadan be kind to you. Ramadan is the month that the prophet Mohamed may peace be upon him received the Quran from the Angel Gebriel. The first word was IQRA which means read.

 

Ramadan is a month that muslims are supposed to fast for thirty days from sun rise to sun set.

and during that holy month any good deed is worth more and any bad deed is worth more.

On the social level families come together and eat together, people stay up late to eat right before the sun rises. People in general tend to be more generous. Big huge tables fill the streets of Cairo with food offerings set for strangers who are in need waiting for them to eat at sunset.

The rich become very in touch wit the poor. and people read more Quran, people try to catch up with their lost spiritual level and on a certain night that is only guessed by scholars but most people think it id the twenty seventh nigh prayers are said to be more rewarded and personally i think of the magical night that wishes come true. God's mercy fills the skies and the earth on this night that is better than a thousand nights. 

Freshly Baked Bread

i think freshly baked bread deserves to be honored

we do not give it enough attention

there should be a celebration each year

y is it that there is chocolate festival

and a cheese i don't know what

what about bread, not the normal bread, but the freshly baked hot bread

if bread was a person he would be my best friend

bread is kind, bread is reliable, bread agrees with your stomach 

bread makes u happy, makes u feel safe

when freshly baked bread is there i cant help it but i just have to make it part of me

i kiss it first, i thank God for giving it to me and i put it in my mouth for as long as possible and then i give it way to be part of my inside.

i become one with the bread, the beautiful delicious warm fresh bread

some one once said u can not love something that is incapable of loving u back

but call me crazy but i have a feeling that when i hold the bread in my hand, wether french or pita or u name it, i feel that the bread loves me back.

i have another theory that if u enjoy it enough it wont make u fat either, bread doesn't betray u

and by the way im not talking about the whole wheat, this one i tend to eat a lot but it does not do it for me, its the real thing that gives me the butterflies

but if u do not give the bread enough attention if u eat with ur eyes open and multi task it will betray u and it will imediatly run to ur hips making u fat!

so the rules of eating good bread is giving it ur undivided attention even if that means shutting the lights putting on some good music, or better having it quiet in the room, sitting on the grass, being under the sky, and chewing slowly and just focusing on the taste of good old brea

and it is not expensive, it does not go out of fashion, the old egyptians have said it lets eat bread and salt. if u eat it with someone ur bond strengthens and it is because u shared life.

bread is life.

personally my heart beats faster my face smiles and i get the butterflies like i'm meeting my lover when  freshly baked bread is around. 

i write like i am obese but honestly i am not, however i do feel for all those who lost it and went over board with their food intake.

i understand how they could just lose it and just say to hell with it lets eat!

it is in a way a brave brave thing to do to let go of all social constraints and to just enjoy it

gluttony is a sin however so is being a sex addict

there are so many ways one could lose it and just indulge in one of life's pleasures

and please whoever u r reading this whenever u c an over weight person please do not judge them. i say salute them for knowing the value of bread, for throwing it all away and enjoyong what they like best. Living in Egypt it is so much easier to stay thin however the poor americans are surrounded by huge portions and food covered with Gods greatest gift "BUTTER" 

going to the movies in the US u must be a saint not to fall for the popcorn covered with butter the smell makes u want to cry

the world is filled with so many temptations and it is so easy to slip away and ti just say damn it i am not going to compete! i will eat my way out! i will enjoy my food! F*&%k it!

in a way i envy those who stopped caring,watch them, they do laugh more!

eXoTic

"EXOTIC"

i always find this word funny

walking in any place in California and being asked my name, i answer Mennah and i have been getting the same reaction: wow very exotic!

next question is where are you from?

my answer has almost always been Egypt (unless i'm feeling like just picking another country for fun)

i get the same reaction Wow! Egypt i really wanna c the pyramids!

first i was having fun with the reaction and the excitement that i get from saying Egypt

and then i just got tired of it.

im thankful that i do not come from afghanistan no offense to the afghanis but bin ladden has ruined it for them

im also glad im not from a country the common american hasn't heard about

but it also bothers me how Egypt is thought of as a theme park

the way the media presents it here they think you walk in Egypt and the mummies are revived

like its some kind of scary movie

i dont want to be exotic i want to be me!

it is like the norm is to be jessica or jane and being mennah with dark hair i get a wow and sparkly eyes, i appreciate the excitement but from where i come from we do not eat egyptian food its just food.

i hope i'm making sense

but the funny part is even back home the really americanized egyptians start thinking of their home country as exotic and they try to fit in naming their kids easier names to announce all over, what they dont know is no matter how their name gets close to jane they will still get the wow and even if they have the passport they will still be treated like exotic

now the normal educated egyptian doesn't speak much arabic, doesn't relate to the arabic music and the egyptian cuisine.

it is kind of sad living in your country wit the eyes of a foreigner and when u travel they always think u r the foreigner in a way no place feels like home.

the sad part is i'm starting to feel exotic if there is a feeling like that im starting to feel like im a special breed.

the third question is so what do u speak in egypt?

egyptian?

it is really sad how little some of the world knows about the other half

but i like to think of it that way if we were on a stage the usa would be in the lime light and the rest of the world would be the extras, why would the star of the show be interested in the horoscope of one of the extras.

when Jane visits Egypt she is just normal not exotic and we feel apologetic for our differences.

i am not exotic i am just me

 

 

Cleopatra in Disney land

first i want to thank anyone who reads this

second i really missed my blog

so here i go

from glittering L.A to the sweet sweet disney land.

disney land is a magical magical place

no matter how old u r, who u r, and what u think, being in disneyland : u r happy!!

i once read a book called everything i need to know i learned in kinder garden

some how being in disney land reminded me of that book

what if the real world was disney land?

what if all mice were mickey mouse? instead of creatures we fear and are disgusted by

what if good always wins? instead of just the powerful

what if elephants could fly? instead of walk slowly

what if every girl found  her prince charming?

and what if there was a happily ever after for every good person?

being disney land i was as happy as a six year old

i have always wished to come as a tall girl with my prince charming

i have always envied those who kissed waiting in line

and suddenly i was who i wished to be

and when the night came in the magical kingdom and skies were lit with the fireworks that could cheer a dead man into a smile

the disney music filled the air with songs about dreams coming true

and at that moment the place was packed with people from all over the world carrying their children staring to the sky in awe, i wondered if it was only the children staring and happy it was also the parents, the couples, the grand parents everyone was happy everyone was united everyone was peaceful, with my watery eyes i looked at my prince charming and told him that disney was right cuz dreams do come true

in disney land it doesn't matter what your color is, it doesn't matter what u believe in, it doesn't matter what sex u r and what sex u r attracted to, (i have a theory that mickey mouse is really gay and his relation with minnie is just a cover up) one thing is in common in disney land every body likes mickey mouse and all his friends. In disney land we r all equal it is not political, it is not complicated, cuz in disney land the child in u wakes up and u throw away all the masks u have put on through out the years, parents use their children as an excuse to find their child inside them too.  

someone once said all they need in jerusalem is a disney land

and they will all unite.

as i enjoyed every bit of disneyland, as my heart broke thinking of my egypt, my poor poor egypt, y out of eighty million people, why cant there be one walt disney?

this is why America is great, if there is one reason America is great it is because disneyland is there and it started there and walt disney was american.

the last great thing we had were the pyramids

a country where Obama is president, where mickey mouse is a native, is the place i long to belong to, my poor little green rejected passport i wish u had a blue brother.

i wish Egypt would rise again someday some how

my heart aches for u my egypt the whole world glitters as u stand still with grey dust covering u and all my loved ones and lovely memories remain with u

hollywood

From Palo Alto to L.A is a journey worth taking.

it is a long road but the road not taken was longer, since we decided to take the 101 ROAD instead of the pacific high way.  Turns out I could not imagine my self on a nine hour drive no matter how amazing and scenic it could be. So the seven hour drive was something i could handle. We stopped at santa Barbara wear my husband went to university, and we had a yummy burrito. students riding bikes, roller blading, mostly blonde girls and boys living an alter universe where the borders of this continent are the borders of their  world. They say most americans are self absorbed and do not realize that another world beyond their borders exists, i say this is a generalization and it is not fair to assume most americans are, however those who are, they should not be blamed. if i was from here, why would i know or want to know about anywhere else? unless my curiosity is stronger than normal, unless i have the means to travel, unless i have the global mind.  Unless my routes stretch to the east and i miss my grandma in india or my aunt and my nephews in persia, why would i care about a world so far?

America is great, America is huge, america is spread out and it could take the average american his whole life time to see it all and afford all the plane tickets or even the fuel to drive through it. From Palo Alto to L.A everything changes, the intellectual local from Palo Alto could care less about his looks, dresses for comfort and is deeply involved in a higher cause of some sort. However the local from L.A is fully engrossed into his appearance, it is like the magic wand has sparkled some hollywood glamour over him or her making them sparkle. The music is loud, the cars are fancy, the girls are in heels instead of the flip flops that are widely popular all day long in modest Palo Alto. Welcome to hollywood where show biz is the focal point. The blonde hair that i have seen here is almost white and the routes are black, everyone would rather be a blonde here. and guys are wearing skinny jeans. The question here is: who has got the funk?

if there is any cool look that u wanted to pull off  but were scared of the public opinion, here you could embrace it proudly, because everybody else is doing their thing and sparkling like crazy. Just being here you will feel like a star.  My crowd from the theatre major would belong here, although they were hiding from the boring crowd which was the whole population of AUC. At a random bar you would find the over weight script writer, the sparkling rising, star, the producer, and the extras all in their dark outfits and curious eyes checking you out as you enter. heels check, make up check, in show biz check, this is the typical LA stereo type and i do not blame those who came up with it.

it is a glamorous city and people here are pretty, it is like on the borders of L.A there is a pretty or not check point. Still did not spend the night here however I wish I was a star here in L.A , I wish I was famous, the LA vibe is contagious. 

California just can't Belly Dance!!

Still in Palo Alto,  still loving the yoga, still loving the fresh air, still loving it.

Today was my first time to take a class at the famous equinox local gym. A yoga class, AGAIN IT WAS AMAZING, class was packed, and my wonderful husband decided to come too, which i am thrilled to experience. Yoga is not just bodily routines it is creating a connection with the divine, and that is my favorite part. the effect of bliss and relaxation after the class is what i always look forward to. After the yoga class i decided to stretch my limit and take the class after as my husband does his cardio, and i wish i had not experienced what i did.

the class is called nia and it is nothing like i expected. first as an egyptian i was very happy to listen to the arabian music which the instructor used, the sound of the oud in such unfamiliar territory was like a breath of fresh air. I got so excited until the instructor started destroying the idea of belly dance. Being a belly dancer my self i was so upset to c my dance destroyed and mimicked in the worst possible way. With californian stiffness and a lack of eastern sway she moved her hips to the left and to the right and the stiffest most depressing way. i tried to go along with her dance i tried to copy as the rest of the happy class did, but all i could think of was how sorry i was that these people who are copying the instructor are being fooled. As Dalida's song played and as the instructor moved in confidence destroying the essence of the belly dance and broadcasting it as the right one for one more time, I found my self heading to the door. i could not hold my self back from dancing the right way and i did not want to disrespect the teacher, and if i copied her with her stiff hip movement i could have not survived it.  Another day at the peaceful palo alto, starting to miss the  san francisco vibe. Palo Alto is so beautiful and very quiet, you could hear your brain think louder than the sound of the street and sometimes you could hear your heart beat.

My favorite part about it is still the yoga factor.

tousa

Cleopatra in Palo Alto

Im not conceited but i have been called cleopatra when i travel and i am deeply proud of that. It's my first time here in this amazing city. Palo Alto California is a very special place. So beautiful so peaceful so clean it is the picture perfect place, a wonderful place for kids to grow up, for people to grow old and for young people to study at the great stanford university. being Egyptian, coming here with my hubby who grew up here I got to understand why i fell in love with him, because he grew up in a magical place. This place is too good to be true, coming from chaotic cairo i am breathing the fresh peaceful air with great gratitude. I come here with curiosity that almost killed me and now i see a serenity hard to describe and a peacefulness that can only compare to the maldives, Although this place has locals who live here and are not on vacation. If u r into yoga like me u will find a yoga studio on every side and if u r an artist also like me u will find a gallery every where. And if u r pro peace also like me the peace sign is everywhere here. If u r a sensitive nice person u will no longer feel like u r too nice cuz everybody here is just naturally sweet. The survival of the fittest approach does not apply here like it kinda does in my beloved cairo. Here i don't have to pretend that I'm not nice so people do not think i am over friendly , strangers say hi to you and you can say hi back, and no one will judge you. beautiful houses, people walking their dogs, kids riding bikes safely. It is the way life was illustrated in a picture perfect book. Here my husband came to a yoga class with me, here we can bike and no one will stare cuz most pple are too, the priority is to the biker. Most people are in flip flops, interested in spirituality, wearing a smile and comfortable in their own skin. i also fell in love with San Francisco the sunny laid back virgin of N.Y.C, every where i look to the right or to the left the word art appears and that just brings a bubbly feeling to my stomach. Few places I felt like I belong, Rio was one of them. San Francisco is another one and my dear Palo Alto is the third place, here in Palo Alto you can be yourself and you can be free and what ever you enjoy u will find it. sweet Palo Alto i have heard so much about you from my husband and now i understand why he itches for you all year long. Now i understand why nothing else can compare and nothing in my beloved Cairo can measure up to the picture perfect city of Palo Alto.

Happy Here

tousa