Who am I?

Just by watching people, you learn so much about them.

Just by being there you change them.

When you look closer sometimes their faces look uglier, other times they become more beautiful.

I learned that people from a distance all look the same. Friendly smiles many times betray, many times the sparkly eye is in reality dry, by time things become more clear.

I learned a lot about a people when I watched them.

Some live to make the lives of their loved ones happy, they light it up and make sure everyting flows.

Some live to control and direct and manipulate and eat you alive.

Some smile and talk to you nicely while you know for sure that they talk badly about you behind your back.

God gave me this gift it becomes like a tattoo on their foreheads, so obvious, saying I am not real.

Well I am not here to praise my self but atleast I am one faced, at least I am real, at least I do not pretend to be someone else!

I am just me, simply and easily, just me!!!

Here I am!!

I realized how much I still have to learn.

I know nothing at all.

I am in my cocoon and I fail to mingle.

I have been over protected and every time I reach the road to try to walk bear foot I crumble.

I pick my pieces up and I go back to stage one.

I am always afraid.

I always run away.

I am terrified of commitment to anything.

I like to fly away.

I keep forgetting how I am and I make plans and share my dreams and I get disappointed from human beings who are not so nice after all, so I run away again and start from scratch and again I forget that I am easily breakable and I wonder where do I belong if everything is disappointing?

The best time of my life is on the theatre or painting or dancing. How come I am so not practical? In my life I wonder if I can live most of it on stage and back stage. I wonder if I can paint my life away? People want to tie me down and I think I can be, but I can not.

I can not be tied down, open to betray, vulnerable to disappointments or even up for taking any kind of injustice.

Maybe I am different but that does not make me worse, thank God for who I am, it has been twenty four years living in my skin, with so many tears and smiles I have got by, I am getting used to my teary eyes, it is not a bad thing anymore, I wont fight it as long as my laugh comes so easily too, I am a package deal, with my laughs and tears and my wings that no one can cut or strip away from me except the one who gave them to me.

I am what I am and thank God for that.

Love and Marriage

The idea of loving what you see and who you see keeps getting stronger every day to me.

Celebrating my friend's pre wedding party I realized the more I watch her dance with her groom the more I love them. We love watching the people we love, we love being there for them. That is why people get so upset when they were not invited, it is like you are telling them, we do not want you watching, we fear your eye, or you are not close enough. In many cases it is true that the person not invited is not actually close to you, the problem is when they think they are. I think it is all about the visual, we are afraid of the evil eye in our culture and all we think about is who the people we do not want to see the things happening to us are, and suddenly instead of enjoying our event or the happy thing happening to us we become terrified of the person we fear their eye. We fear them so much and we do not want them to know, they were not invited so we keep fearing them and their reaction until our happiness is forgotten and they end up becoming all we think of.

When we are invited we feel trusted and close enough to be there, we love that feeling and the less people there the more special we feel because we were selected. As a guest you feel vulnerable and you feel like your name was on a list and then maybe it was scribbled on and then maybe it came back to the list. You never know what happened in the selective process but you end up really enjoying going there when you care about the bride and groom. The more you see them, the happier you are for them, the more they dance, the more joyful you become, the lazy brides and grooms kill the joy of the guests.

At the party last night we realized the less people have, the more they can find joy. They prepared a surprise wedding before the official wedding and the surprise wedding was surprisingly super fun. It was a wedding that any low income Egyptian family can provide, and it tasted as powerful as our authentic Egyptian food in Egypt. The vibrant colored lights, the insane music and the beer on the tables, every thing was purely Egyptian to the core. Everyone was welcome to come since we all pitched in, but we found out the night before and that kept some guests from going. The thing is it was all planned a night before. It was spontaneous, it was splashing with joy, it was a night I will never forget. It was not over crowded, it was not planned for a long time ago, it was not pretentious, no body there came by social force or out of fear of guilt. We all dressed up like the simplest Egyptian would and it was the most fun ever!

We felt the joy of the masses that we are segregated from, the people of Egypt are mostly those who get married the way we partied last night, they dance until they drop! they sing and they do not stop, in comfortable insane colors they dress, they over accessorize, the girls in red lipstick, the guys in golden chains, and red is the king of colors and the decorations are so tasty. The music is so powerful and with sticks they dance the night away!!

I realized that joy costs nothing and the more we complicate the less fun we have. I realized that in costumes people lose a fear of their own skin and identity and they party like crazy, I realized that the happiest times are those that cost the least. I realized that all people need is music and freedom and no fear of judgement. I realized that in our Egyptian culture and drums is the power of the Brazilian drum, and the passion we have as young Egyptians is just as powerful as the Brazilian will to dance.

I missed my high school friends so much when I took up the grown up role, it was so much fun partying like it was prom night. It was like a carnival, festive, colorful, fun and so joyful. We were all so happy for them, I started remembering how the bride was in school and I got flashbacks of how much fun we used to have. Weddings in Egypt are so sentimental, we start having motherly feelings to the bride and groom and close friends are so happy for you like they were your grandparents. Every bride in Egypt lives like a princess for her week of fame, with every single tradition and the days of showers of love and presents. She becomes the center of so many dancing circles and all the guests fall in love with her, grooms are expected to worship the beauty of their brides and dance in joy. The wedding is all about the bride's dress in our cultures and the family of the brides almost light their fingers up with flames to brighten her last days up.

Marriage is a journey that is not blissful all along. Nothing is as joyful as the wedding day, the rest is no fairy tale, it is sharing life with its happy days and its sad. There should be some kind of catalogue telling happy brides that it is not all kisses and dances, it involves a lot of work too. No body tells the smiling bride about the laundry and all the bills they will have to pay. No body tells the future mothers about the sleepless nights and the disappearing "I" in her. Nobody tells her that for a while she will be someone's food literally!

Nobody tells her that it gets better with time, it takes getting used to, moving out and starting a new page. Nobody tells her that love is great but change is stressful. Nobody tells her that if she does not pick up the clothes from the floor they will fail to rise and hang them selves alone. Nobody tells her that cooking is not always a fun chore. Nobody tells her that the help will be as important as family or else she will become the help but for free. No body warns her but thats the way it should be so her jumps of joy on the wedding night are not half jumps.

Still in the wedding ceremony the priest or Sheikh should mention the fact that marriage is a journey with responsibility and that is not all about the freedom we thought it would be, it is about compromise, sharing and learning the catalogue of how a person you chose to share your life with, functions.

In sharing a life you learn to share someone's fears, joys, and eyes. You become phsycic anticipating patterns of behavior and so do they. They become heroes putting up with your imperfections and so do you. A kind heart is what every girl should seek or else knives could be thrown and homicide becomes an option. Compassion and saintly qualities is what couples need and living out of cairo too, since life in Cairo is not meant for married couples, it is custom made to destroy marriages. With the lack of privacy that couples experience and all the pressures from society and the expectations of every girl becoming a super house wife. With all the stress of living in this city that glorifies men and patronizes women, with all the options that unqualified religious advisors give men, it is only natural that the divorce rate is 60 percent.

Couples face the world together with all the monsters it may bring, if they can not find comfort in each other, life becomes extra hard, since they will be fighting the monsters at home too. Married couples take a vow in the west, for better or for worse till death do us part. However in the East like my experience the government official who married us whispered in my groom's ear telling him next time he gets married he should call him. It was not romantic take it from me!

Marriage means promising someone that it is you and them against the world not you against them while the world throws down it's monsters. Marriage is a promise of loyalty and support, telling someone you are on his or her team and they will always come first. Marriage is a show of love and a heavenly bond that is no joke, it is a full time job. Disney's cartoons fooled us, there is no happily ever after, it is more of a happy and sad, together, through a journey, hopefully, (fingers crossed)!

Music Heals

I was sick before I went. When I got there the power of the drums healed me. Seeing them all freed me. Old friends are so comfortable, new friends are made easily when the music plays. The Arabic drums has sealed the deal with my body along time ago, when it plays everything else goes away. Only the music stays. Happiness is in dancing, in friends laughing in hands joining. We need to dance more as a people, we need to laugh more as a people, we need to let go as a people. We need to be happy for awhile. The power of music is irreplaceable, the power of love is eternal. I am a hippy at heart and my wings spread when I dance and when I sing with my friends, freedom is dancing, moving and laughing and the whole air is different when people surrender to the beats. Who cares if they are watching, let them, The important thing is to let live. Life is great when the people you love are happy, the friends of the bride are some times happier than her, because they feel so much for her. The friends of the groom are sometimes more excited than the groom because they have seen him all the way,family and friends are everything. Without them who will you dance with at your wedding? who will dim the lights when you blow the candles of your birthday cake. Without them why would you use your phone. Will you always go to the movies alone. Without them psychiatrists would be making much more. Friends are dedicated loving people, always there when things are up or down. Friends dance with you when you are happy and lay with you when you are sad.

Music heals broken friendships and it even makes you forget your stomach ache. The dancers are the happy ones and the musicians are having a blast.

Faith

Days pass so quickly, especially those with no drama, I feel like I am losing my days and they are slipping through my fingers. Everyday I am a different person and the the same place looks different everyday. In the mirror I look different, in my skin I feel different, every little thing has an impact and everything I see leaves a stain on my being. Last year I was so different I lived in Lala land and my biggest worry was something that now seems trivial. I can remember there were always times I was miserable, there were always times I was happy, not ever was I always blissful. The thing that makes one romanticize the past is the gift of forgettfulness that edits all the pains and the photographs that are only taken when you smile. Although I know time is an illusion, and that I was blessed with many things through out last year, I feel like I am ten years older just in one year. I have seen parts of life I had no clue existed and I have carried the worries of someone I never knew would be me. I have experienced things and seen things I would not have seen or known about if I was just a girl in my parents house. Grown up world is not easy, grown up world is not simple. I remember them speaking of childhood innocence, and I never knew what they meant. Now I do, the more you know, the uglier it gets. Ignorance is a blessing, over thinking is a curse, not knowing about things can save you. I wish I did not know all the possibilities, I wish I did not know all the ways things can happen. I wish I had to worry about little, and I wish life was not so realistic. Reality checks can be shocking for a dreamer, truths like life and death can be traumatic for a fragile. Like my talented fellow friend and blogger said in her blog about thick skin being a good thing, I agree. I realize I had no skin last year, and the tough yet small tests I have seen have given me skin, still not thick but atleast now I do have a skin. I am not a scared little girl anymore and what they say is true, what does not kill you makes you stronger. When I am in a not so happy situation, or anticipating its happening it is the worst but when the actual bad omen happens, after the mourning, things get easier since you no more fear it happening, you already felt it, it is over. Of course the fear of going through it again still lives but some how you are relieved that you do not have to worry about a bad thing happening, it just did. Having nothing makes you fear less, since you have nothing to lose. Having more scares you more, so many things can happen, so many losses to mourn. We are all so vulnerable to accidents and happenings that can just happen, but we find strength and faith that whatever it is, it will be ok. We all need our drugs, some use their children, some drink, some smoke, some exercise, some over work, but everyone wants to lose themselves into something and escape the bitter reality. Some seek "Kundalini" the power to connect with the divine and reach bliss or a trance like stage of consciousness, where overflowing energy picks you up and fixes all aspects of your life like a pill. Without Kundalini I am depressed! Kundalini is sleeping inside everyone we just need to wake it up with yoga and more. That is what happens when you befriend reality instead of escape it, you realize the illusionary nature of this world and some how you are no more attached to the world of forms, you live happily yet your heart is protected and you fill the world with love. I am an addict of that and my being seeks that and without that well I can not just be.

The only way for me and many others is enlightment, how else can one take it? whatever it may be?

Aswan my Lovely

I dream of touching the earth with my bare hands and feeling it's insides and eating form its fruits, without visiting the supermarket. I dream of waking up to the sight of endless greenery and arabian palm trees that dance to the arabic music with their Egyptian identiny showing in the taste of their dates. I dream of waking up to the smell of my best friend; the river Nile. I dream of seeing the eyes of the cows and smelling the horses every morning. I dream of tanned authentic people wearing white loose clothes. I dream of the people who sing their songs and dance along the Nile. I dream of my boat and all it needs is the force of the wind to lead the way. I dream of a simpler life where I can breathe the fresh air and paint by the banks of the river and smell the growing pesto and the pure food that I grow with my own hands and pick out with the children. I dream of fresh milk and blue skies. I dream of life in Aswan away from the city and all the pretenses, all the molding and shaping that the other civilizations have dropped over us when they conquered us. I dream of a virgin land, surrounded by pure waters and trees that sing the name of Egypt and walls that carry the stories of my ancestors. I dream of life in white clothes and white light, as simple and tasteful as it can be, as close to the earth as possible and right under the sky. I dream of walking barefoot on the cold grass and sleeping on Egyptian cotton and dreaming happy dreams, I dream of a peaceful pace, life that is not a race, being on my land yet escaping the traffic jams. Escaping the stress and I realize there is no place with no problems but still there are places with less stress. Why are we all crammed up in the same place, it makes no sense that the world enjoys our treasures while we trap ourselves in Cairo, Cairo that almost thought of leaving us from all she carries of waist and extra people. lets spread, lets find another place, the Land of God is wide, the land of Egypt is not just cairo, before thinking of Dubai and the Americas, consider a place under your nose. For those who can be creative, those who can find work beyond Cairo, Katameya and sixth of October are not the horizon.

I want a simpler life where I can breath, walk and dance. Where I can see colors other than grey, black and white. Someday I will live in Aswan and I will teach the children about the Nile and I will tell them how the palm trees deserve more attention and the earth deserves more love.

Cleopatra and Marc Anthony

As years pass the female population of the modernized world become more unhappy.

Pressure keeps increasing and responsibilities and expectations of women keep increasing.

If you think about it the biological differences between men and women make woman naturally unhappier due to biological changes and hormonal fluctuations. Women used to carry the burden of child rearing and bearing along with home making since the beginning of time. Nowadays women are expected to be career oriented too or else they would be viewed as less than their working mom friends. Growing old has become a sign of defeat and inadequence, so along with fighting to keep her place in the office, and keeping her status as a mom and wife, she has to fight against the hands of time , because God forbid that she wakes up finding a wrinkle or that people see her grey hairs doubling by the minute.

In Egypt the moment a girl is born, her parents start worrying about her future marriage and praying for the day she wears a white dress. The boy however will be just fine on his own and his parents already resent the girl he will end up with. Some men still switch wives refusing to believe the baby's sex is determined by the father. Although many men have become open to the idea of fathering girls and accepting it, many others still think girls burden them with a fear of shame. Since a naughty girl will get pregnant, and a play boy will only be more experienced which is something that every girl wants and parents find pride in. This double standard is a cliche in the east however the case remains that the girl brings fear to her father and her mother will live to worry about her.

Boys however have it differently, parents want them exposed and street smart, and the older they get the more attractive they become. The signs of age only add charm to them and the silver hairs add nothing but glory to the crown of their heads. They do not even have to worry about losing their hair, what some men do not know is that some girls go crazy for the bold guy look.

For men it is a win-win situation, the messier they are, the sexier they are. The dirtier the beard the more attention they will be getting, and rolling out of bed all they need to do is throw anything on and they will be ready. They go to work and this is all they have to do, the rest of the universe is left to their mothers or wives, from food to house keeping to child bearing and rearing, they only have to deal with a professional job. They have all these pretty girls to look at and only if they are good boys they will not think of more. They can have a million affairs to tell about and it will only add to their prestige between their guy friends.

An Egyptian modern girl has to be smart, fun,educated, fashionable with two years of work experience, sexy yet virtuous , skinny yet healthy, religious yet secular and practical, fluent in two languages, all for being a house wife in the end. It is funny how some of the college girls got their diplomas just to impress their grooms to be, and it is tattooed on their foreheads that they are here to marry not learn. Studying at the American University in Cairo I could see all the good girls, the future wives sitting looking pretty, ready to be plucked for the alter, one after another, and the pride that the bride has is as if she won the the noble prize and her friends look up to her like a rising star. The boys usually want the girls who smoke their cigarettes in the bathroom and not publicly, they usually marry the girls they did not get too familiar with. Those with the curfews, and a frequent calling mother. The girls who say "mommy" in front of strangers when referring to their mother.

It is funny how all the guys I know call me to tell me find me a bride, when they have millions of girl friends, guys do not want to marry some one they know well, they want the protected good girl, and it does not make them monsters, it is just how they are now. Deeply Egyptian and traditional no matter how much they have travelled and how many Jessicas they fell in love with they want to end up with someone who agrees with their mother.

Egypt is like the U.S in the fifties, women are treated like second class citizens, only there to look pretty and be good girls, however they just got their freedom to join the work force. Everyone smokes cigarettes everywhere, and the public smoking girl just gained her freedom to puff and she feels like marlin monroe doing it. Everyone drinks like bootlegging has just become legal. Most common Egyptian men think treating their wives like doormats makes them more masculine. Girls talk with girls in gatherings and men discuss the stock market and macho macho issues. The word divorce is gasped to like it is a death situation.

Woman are becoming more unhappy and men are becoming more carefree, being a man is becoming more fun by the minute, just being natural and comfortable is enough. Now girls spend too much time and money on manicures and pedicures, on their degrees, on the help they need at home, on their shoes and so many details that they have to attend to just to look like every other girl. Between the gym, work, home, kids, and looking pretty, women have lost their smiles yet the Botox hides the facial signs of their frown.

Cleopatra carries the burden of her female sisters who are pressured to modernize yet keep their roots, excel in and outside of their homes, be supermodels and have the hearts of saints, and never grow old or gain an extra pound, know all that the western girl knows and have the traditions of her land engraved in her heart!

Cleopatra lost her smile and gave it to Marc Anthony as a birthday present and told him he can wear it forever and she will manage the multitasking without her lips altogether.