Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Numb

This is one of those ramadans that I have been bad, and it really bothers me. When you spend some of it abroad it kind of numbs you! Well some stronger believers do not suffer from that but I did. I confess it is easier here to fast between millions of fasters and a supportive family that has a delicious table ready at sunset. It is easier to fast when the national television has prepared shows that make the day slip through your fingers if you stay home and decide to be lazy. But still it is not easy. Atleast for those with low blood pressure and anemia, it is not easy. When you grow up with a role model who prays and reads a lot of Quran and fasts like it was not an option not to,  it is  easy as a child to develop that need for unity with God and to find your self doing the same naturally. But it is weird how different you behave once you separate from all the things that remind you of that. 
Yesterday I was alone in the house and three times I was going to faint, I rise from my bed to open the door, someone is there, all I see is black. My ears stop sensing sound, my feet start tingling and I get dizzy like I am about to fall. That happened three times, out of weakness I can not function and like a sick old lady I can not move all day, and it does not get much easier after the sunset. For those of you who are not familiar with the fast, many people can function fine and they can do everything really well, it really is just me.  
Some one told me not to fast and that my sickness does not serve the world or God and that I should help people instead, do something good for the world. It really makes sense if you think of it, but I can not do that. Especially that I did not fast in America or Serbia so I could not live with my self like that. So what if I can not function, so what if I am almost fainting? So what if I suffer a little? It is only one month isn't it enough that I am numb? that I didn't do all the things I am used to doing?

I wasted the precious month, I wasted so many chances, caught up in my eternal coma, knocked out all day and night, still jet lagged in my cursed body, useless and earthly. So chained up in my physicality, I do not even drink or smoke, what is it that destroys me so much? How could simple foods be so important? How did all our ancestors do it? How did they get through it?

Someone I love is fasting with me and to me it means the world and beyond that we share the suffering.

 Last year I was better, what happened to me? Why am I so numb? So disappointed in my self, so surprised at how far I have drifted when I promised not to drift, not to be so distant. 


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Don't you?

Don't you feel betrayed when your friends tell you about a project they have been working on only as they reach the finish line?
Don't you feel betrayed when your friends take up your hobbies and secretly make them theirs?
Don't you feel betrayed when you wake up to find the person who was sleeping next to you already left?
Don't you feel betrayed when you find two of your friends that you introduced to each other have made plans and you were not included?
Don't you feel betrayed when you find out your close friend has been in a relationship but kept it a secret from you?
Don't you feel betrayed when someone steals the words from your tongue and calls them there's and signs their name?
Don't you feel betrayed when your old friend becomes your relative's new best friend?
Don't you feel betrayed when your loved one publicly criticizes the things you believe in?
Don't you feel betrayed when some one buys exactly what you told them you are gonna buy?
Don't you feel betrayed to find out your two best friends are much closer to each other than you are to them?
Don't you feel betrayed when you know certain gatherings have been held and you were not included?
Don't you feel betrayed when people see your loved one in places he or she did not tell you they were at?

Don't you feel betrayed when certain gazes take longer than they should? and certain hugs are warmer than you expected them to be? and certain hellos are happier than you thought they would be? and when the one you love praises someone a little too much?
Don't you feel betrayed when you start to hate someone for your friend and find your friend dealing fine with the person you learned to hate? or better yet praising them after you complained about the supposedly disliked, and you did it to morally support your friend.
Don't you feel betrayed when your friends are making friendships with your enemies?
Don't you feel betrayed when you are disrespected by friends of friends and no one stands up for you, or even takes your side?
Don't you feel betrayed when your family or friends were around when someone you know does not like you spoke badly of you, and they did not stop them.
Sometimes I feel betrayed just to know people were speaking my name, people I do not trust them with my name.
Don't you sometimes wish some people were not allowed to mention you. 
Don't you sometimes wish that if anyone doubts you there will always be people to stand up for you? like you do for them.
Don't you wish you would know what to expect from everyone?
Don't you sometimes wish you could see a place before you went?
Don't you sometimes wish you understood why certain people are so cold, or so bitter?
Don't you sometimes wish you knew how your moody friend of a friend really feels about you, since sometimes they are nice and sometimes they are not?
Don't you sometimes wish people would remove their masks?
Don't you sometimes wish people would rid themselves of their insecurities?
Don't you sometimes wish you knew exactly what happened?
Don't you sometimes wish that you knew if it was worth it or if it is just a waste of time?
Don't you sometimes wish that at least the people you love the most share your beliefs and back you up especially when everyone else is around?
Don't you sometimes want to be alone?
Don't you sometimes wish there were no games and things were what they seem?
Don't you?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Arabic

The Arabic language is so warm
when traveling for a long time my ears are thirsty for the sound of it
for the ring to it
for the feel of it
for my comfort to it

Between the crowds of California my ears spot the sound of the arabic words even if miles away.
When we dine in a lebanese restaurant in California and an arabic song is playing my heart dances with happiness to the beats of the arabic drums.

Certain notes do not exist in the western music, beats that symbolize certain emotions that only exist in the arabic world. Certain words do not exist in the english language but they do exist in the arabic language, because certain feelings can only be felt by an arabic speaker, one who knows about the desert and the pains of separation. 

The sound of certain arabic instruments can make me cry and the sound of certain words out of certain people's tongues can make me melt.

Words and feelings and things that the english language will never comprehend, will never translate and will never depict.

When Omar El Sherif speaks of love in an arabic movie it means so much more than when he does in an english one. The Quran when recited by an amazing voice in arabic can make hearts of stone bend and feel something, however when translated in English it does not have the same effect. 

Our grandfather told us of stories of people who can not speak arabic but weeped to the sound of the holy book recited in its original language.

The magic of the arabic language can not be compared by any other. I will never miss another language more than I miss the sound of the arabic language.

Maybe that is because it is my first.   

who are they?

who are your real friends?
are they the people you see the most?
are they the people you used to see a lot?
are they the people you call a lot?
are they the people who return your calls?
are they the people who call you the most?
are they the people who know what you go through?
are they the people you enjoy your time with the most?
are they the people you can count on?
are they they the people who make you feel good about yourself?

So they are not the people who you never see and they never see you.
They are not the people who used to be your friends
they are not the people you never call
they are not the people who never return your calls
they are not the people who never call you
they are not the people who have no idea what you are going through
they are not the people you do not enjoy your time with
they are not the people you can not count on
they are not the people who make you feel bad about yourself

It is hard to anticipate the end of a  friendship, to recognize a great one, and to keep an ending one.

We all need a friend but not all of us can tell which one we do not need. It can be extremely painful to see the signs of a friend losing his title, and on the other hand it can be extremely joyous to make a new one, and very comforting to keep an old good one.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'm an alien I'm a woman in Cairo!

Being a woman I feel like I am the exception. Walking down the streets of Cairo, thirsty for the culture and all the details that I adore, taking it all in when suddenly the same Egyptian people that I miss remind me why I love to travel. I walk in my moderate dress code, and half of my body is covered with the my big painting that I carried from Safarkhan Gallery (by the way it is the gallery that I show my work in) to my house, and all the different men remind me how captive I am in my feminine body. As I walk with every step of the way I realize how alienated I am everywhere I go. The police security of the embassy has to vocalize his opinion about everything about me. Saying things ranging from : What is this beauty in ramadan? Show me the painting, Beauty, honey, sugar and all the package of compliments that I never fail to be showered by. Every where else in the world compliments are appreciated here they are harassments. I was wearing loose jeans, I was wearing a huge top, my hair was held up, my painting covered most of my body and my bag covered my back, however they managed to make me feel naked! 
Big wide dark eyes popping out and slightly open lips and scary comments, making me feel like walking fruit not a person. The same man I give food from the window of my car is the man that scares the shit out of me as I walk two blocks to my house. Zamalek is supposed to be safe, usually the biggest danger is the verbal harassments, however the way the street is lit, the way the men stare and comment from the side walk, the way it is silent all combine to create the perfect setting for a horror movie. If I can not walk in the street and feel safe in my own country that I love from the deepest part of my heart, then where will I feel home? Where will I belong if I am alienated for the way I look and the sex I belong to, in my own country? 

I wondered why I keep quiet as he says all these things, like I am a silent apple walking waiting to be eaten. Why do I act like prey and why is it not acceptable that I tell him to behave him self or else I will call the police. I have anger inside me towards the man that scares me as I walk. Many times as I walk in the street I have found men take off their pants, suggesting what I can not imagine. Of course I scream and run and now you understand why I am traumatized. Anything is expected from the men in the street, they smell female pedestrian and they start barking like dogs on heat. It is ridiculous  that me and the female population fear the simple right of being a pedestrian in the streets of cairo.

Walking in the street of Beirut a street shout out is more of a compliment that makes you smile, however one freak also took off his pants on his motorcycle when we were walking to the mall there. But that is the exception in Beirut usually they compliment not terrorize. I am sure I am not the only one who experienced the traumatizing vision of man in the street taking off his pants, and I can assure you that when I walk in the street I am not in a bikini. I take care that I do not provoke the masses.
 
They shout things that offend you to your core as a woman, as a human being, and you are lucky if you are not touched too. They say things assuming you have no ears or no ability to stand up to yourself, like the fact that you are woman deprives you of abilities like hearing, or responding. What is expected of you is to walk faster in fear and they get their satisfaction from watching your fear and smelling it. I wondered what would happen if I asked him what that will get him? No girl will ever stop and smile and give him her number like that, If he behaved like a gentleman then maybe he will have his own girlfriend instead of terrorizing the whole female population and spending his days alone. 
They blame the free music channels that have messed up with the desperate single poor men of Cairo. They blamed the lebanese almost naked singers in the video clips who sing seductively, they say it is more like soft porn and the people can not handle it. They say the music videos have frustrated the people and turned them into sex monsters. I disagree, I know media is powerful but it is not an excuse for the men in the streets to act like dogs and expect all girls to shake it for them in the street.
Thank God my days at the American University in Cairo are over, it was in down town Cairo and everyday as I passed the street or tried to reach the scattered campus I would suffer from all the comments and often even quick touches from perverts filling the streets. The new phenomena is also the veiled girls from the public schools they would harass too like lesbian little monsters. And because they are girls they find it easier to grab me too. Play with my hair do anything they please because to them I am not a person who can respond. They steal your voice along with your ability to stand up for yourself as they rush through you like a strong wave that slaps you around and takes away your dignity. 
People say it is a conspiracy how some powerful people want to keep the masses occupied by an obsession for sex so they could not get together to question the state of this country. So they do not get political, they deprive them of the basic needs, keep them hungry and horny they will never think beyond that.
I do not know what to say to that, if that is true then  these people must have horns and tails and red faces. 
Things are falling apart and unless you have a tall metal fence surrounding you and your family, it is not safe!! I was in my car with my two girlfriends at the festive time of year when the hundreds of excited men stormed downtown cairo and harassed girls and took their clothes off. It was a jungle!! Men would stick to the windows of my friend's car and pound with their hands and their big huge eyes staring and their tongues hanging, we were terrified. We were going to a wedding so we had pashminas and scarves on, so we covered all we could of our selves and 
locked the doors in panic. I do not know what they expect that we leave the car and hug them like we missed them?
Another time i was with my mother and the famous soccer team won so people stormed the streets like animals and they stopped our car and opened the doors suggesting we go down. I screamed with my loudest voice and the man had to leave the doorknob so his ears wont fall off, we quickly closed the doors and locked again. 
They have become aggressive and we have become submissive. I know a girl who took the man who grabbed her ass to the police and filed a complaint. She was a foreigner of course, that is where she gets her guts. I wish I did that too but we are socialized to be scared and silent as things like this happen to us. As girls in Egypt it is shameful to even repeat what happened and the government acts like an ostrich when it comes to harassment.
If only there were strict rules and punishments for harassment, maybe it would not be so bad. In dubai the strict rules and punishments make it perfectly safe for girls to go where they want and do as they please. I think jail or an extremely high fine can stop this, but the bribes will again make it impossible to regulate properly.
In dubai any man who harasses a girl will have his picture in the newspaper and more severe things happen to him. If we apply this here the whole newspapers will be filled with pictures of the people. However fear of punishment and shame can really put this disgusting problem to an end.
I am tired of feeling like I am food, like I am an alien, like I have no way to stand up for my self, like it is perfectly normal that I am scared and that I can not walk in the street.
If I knew anyone in government who has the power to make laws I would beg them to do something about that, millions of Egyptian girls walk the streets of Cairo in fear and they are harassed every day as they go to work or school, who will stand up for them. Can the man who makes the rules worry about them like they were family? 

Saturday, September 12, 2009

It is just me

We were invited to Break our fast at our friends house. So I am thankful that I do not have to struggle again in the kitchen alone. We get there and I walk in with my high heels and I get the same comments I usually get: what is this? you are too tall! how did you get so tall?
 
The following are the reasons I wore them:

1. My husband is tall
2. I bought them for hard earned money and I want to wear them.
3. They look nice, and I want to look pretty!

Apparently when you are already tall, it is not appreciated to be taller, so I take the easy way out of the situation and I take them off. It was a beautiful gathering, our hosts we love and they prepared everything with grace and care. I am the only one walking barefoot but I think I was the most comfortable one there. 
I ate my longed for meal, and suddenly I felt my body getting heavier and heavier like metal was replacing my bones. The beautiful host had candles lit everywhere and they made it harder for my eyelids to stay open. Everyone was normal as usual, mature, in control, alert, standing tall with eyes wide open and strength to talk, and energy to walk. Except for me, my eyes hurt as I tried to keep them open, and continuing a conversation without sinking in my seat seemed impossible. All I could think of was their bed in their room and how comfortable it looked as I caught a glimpse of it when I went to pray in their kids room. There was also a big comfortable purple mattress on the floor and it was talking to me, in their children's room. It said come sleep on me, come rest for a while, you are tired I know, I am soft and comfy, I will show you how.
I was about to jump on it and float to sleep heaven but I remembered how inappropriate that would be. I could see the people, I could see their lips moving but at a certain point it all blended in and like a machine with low battery my intake slowed down and my ability to respond went from normal to very slow. My husband noticed his tired wife's in ability to cope with the post breakfast activity, so he took me home. I told him it was great but I am physically incapable of sitting up right after we break our fast, and I am also incapable of that before we break it too. We thanked our hosts and I almost fell in the middle of the street like I always almost fall in my high heels, and straight to my comfort zone we headed. home sweet home, where my feet can be horizontal and at the same level as my upper body.
It is not funny how tired I am, how I am incapable of socializing at those times, I hope anyone can understand. Over there I look around me and I realized everyone else is fine; So this is why it is just me!! So bare with me.
It is not a common thing, It is just me!

Sharing is caring

I got this email and I wanted to share it with the world, well the part of the world who will come across this.

Put your name instead of mine after Hi and think of it as a letter to you.
Hi mennah!

I understand what I am about to say may sound crazy to you, but
allow me to suggest the possibility that you have been totally
brainwashed and you have unknowingly become your own worst enemy.

In fact, this is exactly what is happening to millions of people. 
And most likely, you are one of them.  

What I am talking about is the SUBLIMINAL and SUBCONSCIOUS
programming you are getting - programming that is imprinted on your
subconscious without your knowledge.

I am not saying there is an organized conspiracy to program your
mind. The people that are spreading these negative messages
don't even know they are doing it!

The problem is as you are exposed to these mind viruses, you are
likely to be infected. Just as exposure to raw sewage can cause you
to be infected with germs, microbes and other nasty things,
prolonged exposure to the media will infect your mind with many 
nasty viruses. Society spends billions of dollars to protect
us from biological and computer viruses. Yet a mind virus can be
the most dangerous of all.

One of the best things you can do to prevent mind viruses is stop 
following the news. Don't watch TV, don't listen to "talk" radio, 
don't read newspapers or magazines that have the news in them. Why? 
Because they all make their money by selling fear, lack, scarcity 
and limitation. Bad news is what sells.

Open the average newspaper and you will see that 90% or more of
what 
you read is negative news. The percentage is about the same for 
radio and TV.  Do you really believe it is important to find out how
many houses burnt down, how many people were robbed or killed in 
your city, state or another country? Do you really need to be 
reminded of the economic situation every day?  Being exposed to all 
this negativity creates a negative view of the world and negative 
thought patterns in your mind.

When I tell people to skip the news, they invariably ask, "How will
I know if there is a major world tragedy or natural disaster
heading my way or terrorists striking near me?" Trust me. You will
know about all the big stuff you need to know. Let's face it,
the vast majority of your friends and neighbors follow the news so
they can do the watching and reading for you. You still won't be
able to escape it completely because most restaurants and shops now 
have the TV news on all day long. So if something major happens,
you 
will know about it.  

I haven't watched the news for the past ten years. I don't read the
newspaper either because I don't want or need to know about all the
bad stuff. My life is about creating good stuff. Eliminate the news
media from your life for the next 30 days and see what I mean.

Today will bring you a new awareness, a lesson or a manifestation
that you are making progress - IF YOU LOOK FOR IT!  No matter how
large or small, please record it. It will only take a few moments
and will AUTOMATICALLY put you in the Flow.

Truly Caring for Your Success!

What he does not know is that I do not watch the news or read the papers and I never did, UNLESS  of course I am in the news!! 
So I figured this must be a message for my blog readers not just me.

yours truly
me