Siwa and the Maktoub (destiny or the written)

Life and death are two sides of the same coin. Siwa is the place I just came back from and the sands of time stand still when you are there. In a place where electricity does not happen and life is lived in its most natural form, I have experienced siwa the magical place. Only three days felt like three years. What started as a fun trip in celebration of life ended in tears and in memory of a lost life.

We were a great group with great energy and everything there is pure and natural, with rooms that blend in the desert and candles that ignite your soul, surrounded by palm trees that sing our old egyptian songs and food that is planted and cooked away from the chemicals of the city life. It was like a dream breathing the fresh air and it was like being planted in a novel setting, I felt like a village princess from the times of my prophet. The air is fresh and dry and the oasis is screaming life in the middle of the desert. The hands of God marked every grain of sand and his beauty kissed every palm tree. The little mountains stood there with pride being what they are and knowing that it is best to be mountains. Nature is like that clear and simple and easy to love, a tree is a tree and the desert is the desert nothing takes the role of the other. The locals in Siwa live like the natural man was meant to live.

The funny thing is that I did not for one moment miss the t.v or my phone, like I knew nothing before Siwa and nothing after. In seconds the nature of the place embraces you and you blend in with the desert and your spirit finds comfort in watching the dancing fire that heats the place. In Siwa you are in touch with your true self for there are no filters and no barriers to disturb you. The first night, they all left for the desert and I stayed behind. I took my sketchbook and pens and decided to meet the sunset alone, I was led to the highest roof top where the pink skies kissed the sun good bye and in seconds the sun drowned into the desert. I understood the sadness that the old arab poets used to feel when the sun sets, something ached my heart about it.

I ran down the stairs to catch the rising moon from the waters and it was a huge round orange moon bigger than any moon I have seen before. The still waters were shining with the moon light and my heart was beating so fast with the thrill of a diver not a moon watcher. Alone I was in the place and I could feel my soul resting in God's hands, I could feel my self meeting someone else too, it was death.

Death came to me and flirted, with no resistance I told him this place speaks of you too, not only of Beauty and life. He smiled and turned away as if he came just to remind me of the fact that he exists. I told God I never forget about death, it is the only truth I know after you. I feel like I have lived already and in Siwa I do not want anything more. I have loved, I have lived what more do I want? Death disappeared into the waters and the moon was back into focus filling the place with silver divine light. My heart was beating with fear and I heard the foot steps of the local workers and their breathing seemed louder than ever, suddenly I was afraid and I ran back to my room.

After a lot of sleeping and eating and being vulnerable to the hotel's system of food I enjoyed having no say in any of the planned events and I followed with great pleasure. The next day was my favorite I had already made a lot of friends, and we were planned to experience the desert. The magical place that it is. Again I felt like an Arabian princess from the times of my prophet as I laid under the sky that was overcrowded with the diamonds called stars. We were surrounded by beautiful sands and again the signs of God were every where. The desert spoke of years of history that she has witnessed and she was kind to us she hugged us all and above her we all resided.

Some played, some laid, some gathered around the fire, like nomads we felt the wisdoms of the gypsies and the bedouin life of change and beauty. I was overwhelmed by the stars and so were my friends and I could only praise the hand that placed them there. After a while something greater than the stars and more beautiful than anything I have ever seen before lit the world of the desert and made us all quiet for a while. It was the moon again, this time he was the king of the desert and his light showed us everything we needed to see. Everyone felt like hugging their lover and even friends started to feel a new spark between each other. The moon was flooding the place with a loving light. At that moment I thanked God that I was there and I wondered why is life not lived like that? and what was I doing in the city between the crowds, when God has granted me the gift of the desert?

I felt the pains of the poets in the desert and I knew about their infatuation with love itself. I understood how the prophets found God between the deserts and the mountains and I excused those who confused the moon and the sun into gods of there own. The beauty of the whole place and the taste of the food makes anyone want to pray and gets you in touch with the authentic person that you were meant to be.

I had to touch the sand and give thanks to it, I had no choice but to praise God for all the beauty that was there and I felt the beauty of the simple life, away from all the drama, away from all the pop culture, away from all the fake culture.

The next morning as we ate the omelette with the dates and exchanged questions like how was your sleep? and did you feel the fresh air? and did you have a good time last night?, I saw my friends smile fade into a shock and grief that is powerful enough to shake mountains. He fled the table and hid in his room when his friend told him the news. I asked the carrier of bad news what happened and he told me not knowing that I might have known the person we lost. Actually I knew him very well, he was my best friend's brother in law. As I grew up with my best friend he was there along the years and he was like my brother in law to me. I fled the table too like my friend who left before me. I was shocked and in disbelief for a while. I started walking to the water and I prayed for him and his wife and kids. I could not imagine what they were going through, if I feel this way then how do they? He was chosen like all those who left before, but he was the last person you would think would leave so fast. He was full of life and his energy and humor filled every place with laughs.

As I grew up he was there, one of those people you would think will always be there, because there presence is larger than life and they show their friends what fun is. I remembered that last year he has changed drastically, he was able to do the pilgrimage that every muslim is supposed to do, he has been pulled closer by God. When I saw him lately he would disappear and I would ask where he went and they would say he is praying. I wondered if he knew his destiny, I thanked God for bringing him to the light before he took him for good. But my heart ached and I could feel my stomach hallow. It was something I could not comprehend, it was another reminder of the nature of life and the truth of suffering. God brought us here he could take us anytime, death came to me two nights ago I did not know he did not speak to me and was telling me someone else was about to be taken.

I wanted to run to my best friend and be there for her but they did not want anyone there, all I was left with was praying for him and them, for patience for mercy for God to make it easier. Sometimes life can be harsher than one can bare, but when you understand the facts of life and death it should be easier, but in fact it never is.

Where did he go? Will I never hear his laugh again? Who am I to ask? its his family who should be asking? Who am I to ask its his God who brought him and took him back. The only truth I know is that we will all leave too.

Things started to appear trivial, everything in my life seemed stupid what upset me, what bothered me, fights and misunderstandings all seemed stupid. I was shaken and so was everyone, I was thinking of how can I prepare my self?

I questioned my path, I felt the impermanence of everything, I felt how lucky we are with every moment we have. I realized that this could happen to anyone, we are so vulnerable, we are so small. Which heart can take it all? I can take my departure but please God do not test me with what I can not handle.

I keep seeing flash backs of his ways and his face, he always knew how to make everyone happy, he was happiness for his family and friends. God chooses those we least expect to leave, showing us that we know nothing.

We are from God and to him we will return. In the desert there is God and his nature, at home there is God and many distractions, in life there is God and the choice to unite or not, in death there is only God and the moments we had but left not lived, the things unsaid, the light not captured.