When I said I'm doing nothing I lied

So depression crawled on me and found it's way when I spent a week of nothingness in Cairo knowing that I'm wasting precious human time
With eyes glued on tv watching the superficial yet so addictive episodes of gossip girl
Watching them for so long I started dreaming of the characters from Serena to georgina i have been seeing them all
Chasing me and hunting my unconscious taking me to manhattan and making me question what I was doing in Cairo alone
When I could be with the characters shopping at the upper east side of manhattan
When you start believing the characters of a tv show are your real friends you know there is a serious problem
Just when I realized Serena is not my friend and as much as I love the conniving Blair they are not real and they have no idea I exist


That was when I realized it's time to take action
So I followed my dream and took the course I have always dreamed of and had not dared take any action based on discouragement of close ones who I know mean only well
Truth is only you know what you need

So I went to my guru who is the best guru in this country possibly the continent
And she is guru Wafa as I mentioned before
And I took the course
I have learned so many things I have always wanted to know and now I can heal using my energy field
In the Maldives and thailand the yoga teachers have encouraged me to take the healing path since they sensed that I have a gift
Everyone does but they advised me and finally I took their advice and after two years almost I took action
I'm still in the beginning but I'm so excited
Now I know things I would never have known
And I still want to know
And I still have a long way
But now I know the ways to heal my self and the people I love
Some treasures lie under your nose
Only you know what you want and need
Let me heal myself and you
Now I actually can
Going back to the beach now with purpose and a new light
Still addicted to gossip girl but at least now I know Who I am and I learned something
So staying away from the beach was not a complete waste
Was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me
Polish your heart so you can shine
Fix your self I told my self
And one day at a time I might really get there
Nothing feels better than being healed
So heal what you can and ask for help

First post from an ipad

I didn't know I would love the apple iPad so much
Perfect size
And so friendly
This iPad is becoming my best friend
Moving on
Cairo in July is an experience worth your time
It is like I am in a different city
I feel like I'm renting an apartment in France
Where I know no one
And there is a certain charm to being on your own in an old city like Cairo
Walking in the streets and alleys of zamalek at night I have seen the jewels of embassies and villas that were hard to see from the crowd
It is very peaceful here when everyone else is by the coast or traveling the globe

You start seeing the city with the eyes of the tourist
Only foreigners here and people with no summer homes are left in the city
The darkness of the zamalek streets at night is scary and exciting too
The street called al montaza street is a secret lovers hiding place
On the corniche I saw the lovers kissing and whispering behind the trees
I also saw friends chilling in cars parked in the same street

The punks, the outcasts and the smoking up
All gather here for some reason
I know exactly why
It's beautiful
It's dark
It's mysterious


You can smell the Nile as you walk
And it's the closest you can get to these waters

Walking in zamalek is a rare chance for me

Only in July when half our population is by the beach can I do that
Finally I can feel the city again
I can feel the history and the stories behind each window
everyone i know is by the beach now because
Summer this year is shorter than before since august will meet Ramadan
And the bikinis will hide along with with the booz and the food
Some people will stay by the beach and hide in their beach houses until sunset
Some will come rushing back to cairo to meet their working husbands on the dining table at sunset to
break their fast and some will travel to any foreign place where the population knows nothing about Ramadan

Life is slow in Cairo and my muscles hurt from too much laying down
From doing nothing all day when I have the chance to do so much
For some reason I have zero energy for anything other than lounging all day and having breakfast and coffee in bed
I should be feeling guilty for being so lazy and unproductive
But I convince my self a housewife is a full-time job
And that I am experimenting with doing nothing
Although I doubt that anything good will come out of that
And I confess I do feel weird about it

Cairo in July in the weekend is peaceful, is cleaner, is lonely, is a new experience for me and I think I like it, me and my new friend the ipad!!

gypsy

the mind longs for whatever is out of reach
when we are here we wait until it is time to fly away
and when we go to those we missed we start thinking of those
on the othe other side and miss them too
we start thinking of how we want to see them again and go back
when we are back we keep thinking of those we left behind
thinking the meeting is the gate to happinness
so many goodbyes
so many hellos
the greeters become normal company after the passionate hugs fade away
hopeful eyes become cold and insensitive in a short time
eyes that were glued on yours start to drift and catch a newer resting place more fresh and more exciting
you look around and again you are alone
no matter who is with you
no place feels like a home
no place feels comfortable
when you have this emptiness inside
love always involves heartbreak
love is not reliable in anyway
but so many people have built thick skins
so many have occupied themselves with so many things to do so they can get distracted
everyone looks for a distraction from the mind
keeping busy makes people happier

some atheletes are addicted to their work out
tiring the body in excersice shuts the mind up


i realized something very important nobody knows it all
we are all trying
keeping busy
the mothers looking after their kids get sucked in cute routines and scheduales
so they do not stop and worry about it all

the buisness men work themselves to sleep
and routines keep people safe


the drinkers keep filling their cups as if drinking
so much will take their minds off whatever they are escaping
and it does only for a short time
only until the pain comes back when they are sober again.

smokers keep themselves busy thinking of the next ciggerete
and occuping themselves with hand movements and the different ways to puff the smoke

the eaters are busy getting lost in taste sensations
and dreaming of their next meal

the shoppers
keep buying their happiness thinking their next purchase will sure bring the joy
or the confidence that they have always longed for

the flirt looks for the next victim to feed their ego. hunting for eyes to lock with theirs
and the teasers love to make people dream of them and then move to the next person
as soon as they find someone else to woe.

everyone is looking for a distraction
everyone is as lost as you sometimes feel
but they all keep it together at the party

and in the end we feel lonely with the person beneath our skin
thinking that this person is the only one with trouble
when everyone else has their pain too but works to hide it and move on

no place feels like home in this world

lost on the highway

i was not built for the road
trucks scare me
drivers choke me
and in any car i feel my personal space being invaded
so that is what they call: chlostrophobia


reminders for self:
1. egyptian men hate to be in the passenger's seat when a woman is driving especially if they are involved with her romantically
2. love is more romantic when it is impossible
3. a fantasy lives longer than a reality
4. expectaions are the reason behind heartbreak
5. men and women have so many different wires in their brains
its like men have this empty place in their heads while women have so many layers of emotions and expectations in the same place no wonder it is so hard for them to get each other
6. never travel to meet someone you love, you will always be dissapointed and they never appreciate it as much as you would think they would
7. never expect anything from anyone
8.be your own best friend
9. enjoy your own company
10. dont forget your friends and your own life
11. before commiting to someone make sure you have the ability of being happy alone
12. fairytales are not possible
13. romantic movies are hard to create in real llife
14. imagination can be dangerous, your mind can create your own hell
15. nothing is real in this life

16. most people are capable of lying, hiding truths and calling it selective honesty, cheating, and surprising you.




so many times we want to run way and when we run we find different forms of pain somewhere else
does high perception and creativity always mean more prone to sadness?
what are the real reasons behind sadness? genes? horoscope? or is it just part of life?

it feels like a big joke sometimes this whole life
and then we die and i think it is so humilating to just be dead and for others to deal with your body
people keep dying everyday and some think it is so far away
dont walk so proud my friend one day you too will leave


didnt realize this post would end up morbid sorry readers soon will come a happier one

alexandria what happened to you?

alexandria in july is nothing like it ought to be
the once great city is to me has become the biggest dissapoinment


i used to come here as a little girl
it used to be so much fun here in alexandria
but now it is a memory of beauty and the majority of the the minds have taken it so far back


a city that has the potential of being as fun as beirut is now the opposite of what beirut stands for
alexandria wins in one point, thank GOD no war stains there, but dear Lord what has happened to alexandria?


i realise that the four seasons is no way to judge a place
but it is a way of comparing a segment of society in every place

the four seasons has not failed to create another architectural beauty and ofcourse good service
but the people have killed it, they killed the experience, with their ways, with their attitiudes, and as shallow as it sounds with their choice of clothes too.

the pool is wonderful ofcourse and sitting by it and seeing the beach too, what more would you want sipping your fruit cocktail? sounds dreamy until the residence of the hotel start to occupy the place and make you feel uncomfortable for all that you are it becomes not dreamy and more nightmarish.

it seemed to me that there is some kind of hidden alexandrian laws that everyone knows of except me: only men and children can swim or wear a swim suit
a saudi feel to the place spreads and you could smell the borrowed tradtions fill the place
the once alexandrian man has adapted the saudi customs and his wife has sided with a towel in her hand in the shade covered and sheltered in a way that seems to be so borrowed and not originally hers.

were they teachers working in saudi and coming with money to spend in their home country?
they must be because all the signs point there.


the sand and beach experience was such a disapointment too
thinking that my contact with the alexandrian beach will be a reunion from a childhood memory
all i see in the waves is empty bags of chips
and waste everywhere
i could smell the sewage too dropped in the sea
and the sand
what happened to the sand of alex?
it lost its softness and its bright yellowness
the almost black waves with the brown sands are the reason the alexandrians who care for beauty left alex in the summer and went to the north coast.

i felt like i am in a petrooleum field, nothing about the beach said vacation or fun.
on the beach of the fourseasons you will not find one female in swim wear or even just sitiing there
all you could find is men and children.
no sound of music or any efforts to entertain.
all i could feel was uncomfortable.
the only people on the beach are loud repulsive spoiled children who are not one bit cute, and their hairy fathers who think they are the heroes of their time. where have the women gone? why are they all men and children?

thats when i realized that it does not matter how amazing the hotel is that you stay at, what matters is the people around you.
we walked through the same underground tunnel to reach the beach like in beirut and the beach was so similar to beirut's beach it even had sand and in beirut it was mostly rocks, but in beirut you want to live life smelling the waves, the people around you, and their choices of clothes and ways of speech make you enjoy the place.

in alex all i could think of was how every life comes to an end, that is how we are as egyptians obssessed with death and the after life like we used to be as pharoes, it is all for the after life. in beirut it seems like they beleive it is just this life they got and they turned their beaches to heavenly dreams of fun, their clothes to art pieces, their features to what they wished for them to be, and they make you want to have fun.

i used to come to alexandria as a little girl and in montaza it used to be so wonderful spending summers by the beach, girls were free, men were not the only people you see on the beach, and people dressed up with taste, and you could not see maids dressed in repulsive clothes filling the place.

the four seasons is trying to be the fourseasons in alex but the alexandrians barely inhibit the restaurants and changed the scene to conservative macho macho town.

two things you will love about four seasons alex: the food and rooms that is about it!

the four seasons stands lonely in alexandria and it is beautiful in everyway, but if you stay there remember your room number because each step of the way you will be asked: "rakam el ghorfa?" or " room number please?" because they do not trust that you have a room, no matter how your efforts of looking representable are ,they will always suspect that you are a crasher! i thought of writing my room number on my forehead but held myself from embarrassing my friends. if you decide to spoil yourself in the alex fourseasons, remember to stay in the room and order room service! that is really the best part of the experience unless you do not mind loud children and men taking up all the place.

this city has expired

i really do not mean to be so negative
but coming back from the beach to cairo
all i could smell was the stink
like old milk in the fridge
this city is getting more rotten everyday
we love it so much that we do not see it or we do not want to admit it
and we do not want the people to say it
but we know they are right
the garbage
the stink
the people
everything is overdue
run away from the city while you can
an ugly dust covers us all with grey and makes us dull here
meet us anywhere else we would be missing the stink but glowing with oxygen and fresh clean pores on our skin


there is no better beach naturally speaking than the beach of our north coast
it might lack the atmosphere you find in europe and beirut but this sand and water quality can only compare to the maldives
to the islands that are now designed for honeymooners

on the egyptian north coast you will find the biggest national waste
these houses built for one month in the year are such a waste closed all year round and hidden from tourism
why doesn't the government supply us with means for permenant life there?
a school
a hospital
a chance

then again we all like to gather like cockroaches around the stinking city of ours
for some reason nobody thinks of spreading further than katameya and 6 of october

this city has expired, yet only here can you order your groceries to your doorstep and if you do not have cash the supermarket guy will bring you the credit card machine to your doorstep.

is it for these comforts that we stay and ignore our inability to breathe fresh air or walk the streets like other normal people from anywhere?