a bigger hand to hold on to

in highschool i thought most things were up to me

and as life takes me from ride to ride i realize how much so little is up to us

you can prepare
think, pracice, give it your best but volcanoes errupt
and bombs explode
the earth shakes from under us and anything can happen at anytime


when you are younger you care less
you usually have parents to fear for and worry about most of the time.

but you do not cling so much to life.
you think it is simple.
and then you keep tying knots with people and hoping they are healthy.
good things happen to them.
you hope you stay here for them.
and that they do not get sick or hit by anything.

accidents scare you.
hospitals bring fear.
funerals are nightmares.
and you carry so much fear
like a backpack or worse like a hunch back.
you walk around with so much worry and love for so many.


you think how did the parents do it?
from labor to graduation to a whole line of different forms of worries.
so much love, so much worry.

and you think positively so good things happen.
but so many bad things happen around you.
so you look around and you try to change your ideas about good and bad.
life is unpredictable.
but we have a rope to God.
we pray and pray and feel safer some way.
some people do not beleive in that,
they float in space,
let them.

but i need God to know he is on my side
even if things do not go my way
even if he took so many people away
we are all bound to leave anyway
easy to say
but hard to accept
like old age and war and torture things i have no idea why they happen
but they do
along with disease and pain and the unfair circumstances
but along with all the negative
there comes love
miracles
angels
happiness
bliss
and joy


nobody has all the answers
we are made of thin threads
even the preachers collapse

your own wisdom lies inside

i found strength in 2 things
prayers and leaving my body seeing things from a distance like it is not me
being detached from my own self and even the circumstance
like watiching a movie that i star in
and i am not that affected

you think you are weak but you are strong
you think you will collapse but they all stood up again
even when they died life went on and their friends laughed again

structure and routine make babies and adults feel safe
prayers too and churches temples and mosques
finding the true self
leaving fear behind
and lots of yoga for me
it is a coping strategy

whatever you do express yourself
i read lately that having soups
instead of salads and wearing warm clothes
in the cold weather helps too
so stay warm, eat well, enjoy the times
when things are fine
because they are not meant to stay like that all the time.

remember God, your angels, your prayers so you do not come praying suddenly out of the wilderness after years of silence.
do not let it be awkward when you ask for things.

make friends with the maker of the game
mantras too they help so much
and kneeling down.

breathing is also a key take long breaths when in stress.
in and out it brings your anxiety down .
fool your body into relaxation mode.


things pass.
even the darkest things pass.
do whatever suits you.


and express yourself.


while you are here:
enjoy it.
learn from it.
life is a hard lesson that we came to learn.

break the code,
befriend the maker of the tests,
be smart, relax and pray.

love and give because it all comes back.

we all need a bigger hand to hold on to.

who can breathe in cairo?

breathing is a basic right to life
a must for life
life is breath
and for you to breathe you need air
not black fumes, but fresh clean air

that is why we egyptians like to travel
we are all crammed up in cairo and lately i could not breathe in cairo

if it is not the exhaust from the cars it is your smoker friend or relative puffing in your face
all day and night

you have to choose between loneliness and being antisocial and left out or breathing
off their puffs, second hand smokers have more friends and smokers have the most friends

so you are either breathing fresh air alone or coughing with the people you love
many have just started smoking too to escape the dilemma
and many have gotten so accustomed to second hand smoking they have no idea what i am talking about and that is just sad.

and if you want to go out to a cool place at night
you have to get your whole system used to the smoke


tamarai is a killer
the cairo jazz club although has live music is a near death experience for me
and la bodega is well ventilated so you can breathe more there
but you have to get used to going home with hair and clothes that smell like an ashtray wherever you go at night
and you have to get used to the smoke to have a social life in cairo
to go for coffee even

the mohandseen cilantro is a walk into suffocation
i made the mistake of going in once, i had to cover my nose and mouth to buy my coffee and i had to run out
i am not exaggerating its not even funny anymore

however there is hope
i come with good news finally:

beonos the once smoke filled cafe with a few non smoking tables has dedicated the first floor which is the best floor to non smokers

and i congratulate them for that, finally going back to cairo i will find a place for coffee without coughing

so in addition to great coffee and sun light you can also breathe there!

the zamalek costa is a bubble of smoke for the exception of two tables who are cornered and suffocated

they always tend to give the non smokers the worst tables everywhere

so we travel we book tickets and we go to a different continent sometimes just to be able to do one basic thing: breathe

i just want to breathe thats all.

life oh life

life has a funny way of making us look like fools
when you think everything is going your way
when you stomp your feet as you walk with a nose stuck so high
if God loves you he will bring your nose to the floor
that is what he did to me and i felt that if he did not care he would have left me proud and stupid
but God tests those he loves reminds them that nothing is up to them
in the end

the message was clear:

anything can go wrong
you are not that strong
do not be so proud
do not step on the earth so heavily
because out of the blues anything can happen
things that you thought would only happen to others
things that pull you so close to God when you pray and beg
when you kneel and ask
you let your guard down you lose your crown
remember God
you are nothing without him
you need him


God is like that when you drift he pulls you close with a problem and you become one in a remembrance
in a prayer in the thought of the nothingness that is you
and you forget all the stupid things and you become swallowed by a problem
a problem that if solved days will pass peacefully again
and you promise not to drift again

in problems we look for lessons to learn
every problem is a lesson and a thing to learn by the great teacher with a harsh sense of humor : life

you think you are all that
now take that

but if you are unlucky God will not test you at all
if you are proud and arrogant and unlucky he will leave things to go your way every day and for that you will feel so in-control
so powerful like things are up to you
this person might never have to pray

but thank God we were chosen to be tested, to be pulled closer again
in order to remember
because we always forget
how small we are
how helpless we are

in this life i realized i am nothing without him
i need his help in every step
and for that i hope i will always remember to call his name
and the names of his prophets and the names of his angels
i need all their help

in life there are no coincidences


dont get too arrogant so that the pull back does not shatter your world and bring you underground
dont drift too far

remember how small we are