is it possible to be homesick at your own home?
is it possible to feel alienated on your own land?
is it possible to feel different than all your clan?
if i feel different, if i talk different, if i see different, where am i from?
something is always missing
something always hurts
no matter what happens it is scary to live
to leave family behind is heart breaking
to leave a lover behind is earth shaking
to feel jealous is something and to always express it is another
nobody expresses but me
i am not ashamed of my feelings
my weakness or my tears or my laughter
somewhere somehow some way it is all perfect but that passes and routine parachutes and colors everything with the brush of boredom
boring people
fake people
boring conversations of stupid topics
fears all over
egos exploding
indulgence and no thought of the after surrounds me
vulnerable and proud is man kind
for things that he does not own
we own nothing is my mantra
i fear nothing because i have nothing
i am nothing and for that i am glad
i have a question which i've been thinking about last week at my stay in London as well ( where on the way we met and i had the pleasure of meeting your husband , the refined gentleman that he is )as i walked the streets observing .. and which i've kept in myself after i saw your two previous posts on London , and now have some courage to ask ..
ReplyDeletedo you think people living in that fancy lovely busy London described previously with all their action-packed busy schedule , complex life shopping etc... have any opportunity to think of what you deeply expressed in this post ?
is it like when you ride on the ferris wheel that keeps going on and on till it's movement has become default ... then the moment it stops you - for the first time - realize you've been on the wheel for the past 40 years and it's time to go off !
i'm also looking from the corner of my eye to :
http://tousablog.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-am-tired-of-being-manipulated-by.html
and thinking of what you've described and what i've observed , and what i've reached to in terms of conclusions and analysis ( which are yet to be shared )
and no , that's not an over-thinking party pooper, that's just me .. which i do enjoy being with :)
and this is just part of that thinking, but now it's out ..
thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteand i hope soon your conclusions will be out where we can all see them
it was a really great coincidence for me and my husband to meet you and it is funny since we never run into each other since auc and suddenly we do and i meet your angelic sister who i fell in love with and your beautiful family
i agree with you london seems like an illusion but such a great indulgence too
it is very hard to stay tuned to the real in life when you are there
it is like disney land for the adults
it is this alternative universe where everything is and could be bought if you have the money
but there you can be whoever you want
it might be possible to stay real too
but it is harder i guess in the middle of the glitter it must be hard to shine from the inside
i am sure the pple who live there can chose a path of light too
and if they really want it they will attract each other
many spiritual muslims, sufis, sikhs, christians,buddhists, gurus and all kinds of spiritual mystics must live in london
although when i asked the concierge for a good yoga studio all he knew of was the gym
in california i found more light
but gravity is very strong in london
something is very earthly practical and so attractive there
something that makes love better
food tastes better
art is better
everything is enhanced
everything seems to be at its best
and people get things done and you get that rush
that faster heart beat as you walk and see the Christmas lights
i dont know
what do i know
i know that i know very little and i am still learning