trying so hard to keep the lights on

its been crazy
for a mother of small children in Cairo Egypt
it is a lot of work keeping it together in a place like Cairo
you try to keep your cool
you get up every day and make things happen
and you try to keep things together for your children
so they have a somewhat normal childhood
but then when ur small life gets effected
when things as simple as the road to school being safe are not for sure anymore
it becomes hard to be so positive
i realize its part of our evolution
to got through this
i was all for justice freedom and equality
but to tell the truth i lost faith
i dont care for democracy anymore
i dont care for freedom anymore
i dont believe in patriotism anymore
i dont even care to watch the news that depressed me beyond a functioning point
but i just want a little security for my children to be safe on their way to school thats all
thats not too muh to ask is it?

remember who you are

its a thing with most women
they are fine and they do great on their own and then when they fall in love
they forget who they were and they lose track of where they were going
the deeper they fall the more they forget everything about what made them who they were
and worse what made their lover love them
and by time and after bigger commitments
they become roaming planets in the orbit of their lovers
their world dissapears and they become shadows


its hard to love someone who forgot who they were
its hard to love someone who is not there anymore
and all thats left is a memory of them
and when these women become moms things get worse
they totally destroy any trace of their own making
 and they dedicate their whole life to their children
every moment spent for themselves is loaded with guilt
even a shower has to be short and quick or else its selfish
when a baby is in the next room
dont get me wrong motherhood is the greatest blessing
and it requires dedication and a serious commitment that comes naturally as an instinct
but everyone needs a break

its hard for these ladies
who became shadows
who forgot who they were
who lost their spark
who lost the glow that made them who they were

nobody tells you at the wedding that you need to remember who you were
never stop what makes you you

in egypt since the day a girl is born she is being prepared to be a bride
to honor her family to impress her inlaws
to be a good girl, to be a good mom
rarely is she introduced to the ideas of the importance of loving herself
rarely is she warned about the possibility of losing herself

when you love someone
dont dissapear
dont lose yourself
dont become an orbiting planet
dont become a shadow
because these things will make you sad always dependent
always expecting the impossible
that this person is responsible for your happiness
anything they say or do will be held against them
so dont go there
stay on your ground
stay in your power
just like men do
they go on with everything
you too dont stop what makes you thrive
what makes you who you are

and dont change just to please
dont wear a different suit for them to like you
you are perfect beautiful and complete
dont let anything shake you or break you
keep your smile your shine your glow

if you like to run dont stop
if you like to go somewhere dont stop going
if its not unhealthy or hurtful dont stop it
if its good for you and fun keep doing it

and please dont forget who you are
and where you were going

if you will lose something
dont let it be yourself

the good news is if you lost yourself and want to get it back its not too late
go find yourself now

love you beautiful one

dopamine

dopamine is the easiest way to happiness.
i have boycotted gyms all my life, i thought they were for hamsters and that free people should run in the outdoors or get their carido from more natural ways, however for so many reasons i wont get into the gym turned out to make alot of sense. for me all i want is cardio and lifting my own body weight through situps and pushups. it turns out all these people were right the gym is so practical and it is efficient.

the key is good music and discipline, developing a routine for yourself. once you priotitize your workout time, make it religious, good things happen. dopamine my new best friend starts to make u see things in a better light. you gain self confidence, you feel good about yourself. and suddenly food becomes a non issue and you realize that before working out eating was more of a hobby than just a way to get energy to live and move.

i used to say i am not my body but now i know i am my body and through that vehicle i can reach enlightment and peace. in a healthy body a happy mind can create peace and the spirit can rest. you are your body because you are what you eat and then it makes all the difference in how you feel.

through excercise everything changes
and for me through yoga depression leaves
and i can be myself and find bliss

its so important to get dopamine one way or another into your brain
happiness is in the end some chemicals in the brain

its hard for some moms to find the time to do anything for themselves
being an attachment mom to young children has given me so many good results.
the bond with my children and it just suits my belief system however it can very much also be the reason why i have recently felt like ive lost myself and who i was.

my sense of resposibility has stopped me from doing anything for myself and for that i have totally forgotten who i was but through some weird circumstances i have found a way to join a gym and find a yoga class where i can breath.

im very grateful and im here to tell other moms who lost themselves too, who got sucked into being the best moms they can and do nothing for themselves all day, that it is important and vital that you find time to do something for yourself. something you love.

i realize i still dont go out much at night, i still sleep earlier than my generation, i still am an attachment mom and i would not want it any other way, but atleast i found myself before it was too late.

dear moms you are doing great find your path of joy be fair to yourself too, find time for you, it will really make everything in your life brighter.

your children need happy moms to look up to

yoga saved me

turns out its true, there are people who are sensitive viewers. the ones they warn before movies, shows, or anything too bloody. i am one of them. now with the current state of my country, Egypt the news alone has been causing my misery. you see i do not watch it like normal people do with detachment or even just interest in knowledge or normal concern something happens and suddenly im in the shoes of those killed in the street i feel the pain of their families and obviously i start falling into a very dark place where crying does not stop easily and getting on with my life becomes impossible. so i realize how selfish that might be but i stopped watching the news and decided it will not help my country in anyway that i crumble and die in misery nor will it help my family. so i decided to retreat in lala land create my own happy bubble and not engage in any way in the struggle for it was eating me alive. no more cbc, no more ontv, no more lamis, and as funny as ibrahim 3isa or amr adeeb are non of them too. ok maybe just the first five minutes. im writing this to recommend my recipe for happiness to everyone who was falling in the dark place filled with news and anxiety, anyone who is suffering like i was: please detach from this reality find your own bliss remember your true self. i found it in yoga and excercise. cardio has saved me, dopamine i missed you. and last but not least yoga it really works like magic. it has pulled me out of a depression that i blame my government for. i will do anything i can to help my country but i do not wish to die for it as selfish as that is i think blood is more worthy than land. i do not believe in violence, and as much as my heart aches for the martyrs and as much as i ache for their families i dont think we can afford to lose more of our youth because those in power do not care how many people die, to them we are ants. i promised myself not to get political so im here just to remind my fellow country women and men that we live once if we dont believe in reincarnation, so dont let the state of your country bring you down. create your own reality, and no, food is not the cure, smoking will not help either, find a healthy breathing room and breath and be yourself. dont forget yourself once she or he is happy you can bring everyone around you to a higher frequency. ps. no body likes to be around sad people i learned that the hard way so find your joy and stick to it.

the not so great america

first you get cought up with the perfection of everything everything is big and huge and sparkly in the great america they make everything there and they have the best education and healthcare too they are the best in everything and at everything if you want to see the most beautiful trees, if you wanna buy the fanciest cars, if you wanna go see the biggest rollercoaster you will find all that and more. and strangers smiling opening doors for you helping you out saying hi and goodmorning to people who dont need your money is awesome. you will find the biggest popcorn box the juiciest burgers the largest cokes and the best cleanest parks for kids to play. however after the first month passes and second one too, after you get suck in a routine and the days start to be exactly the same you start feeling hollow. the day is so long there. hours pass so slowly. after breathing all the fresh air and experiencing life with so many rights and a well established democratic system i found myself missing the crooked sidewalks of my hometown cairo, i started missing the pollution, the noise of the streets, the authentic egyptian food and the reality of things as bad as they are. despite the perfection of america it is a very isolated life and and an individualistic culture where one is for one and not all for any but themselves. many grandparents end up in senior homes, most families are stretched in different states and they see each other in the holidays and some even dread it. so much loneliness and hollowness along with so much responsibility that is dropped on an individual with so little help. i respect how independent the american culture is however i found my culture in egypt so much more comfortable and a promoter for happiness, you get so much help from a web of family ties that stick together to help pick up any falling member of the chain. its all for one and one for all here. one might get tired and bored of all the closeness and that everyone is in your buisness and the crowdedness of everything, but when you leave for a while you will find yourself running back missing every bit of it.atleast i did. i found my self asking these questions: why is suicide so popular in the places so perfect like americas' best university towns? how come the people of egypt have low suicide rates when so many are so poor and sick? the answer came to me perfection is not the reason for happiness having it all does not mean u r happy. i think the people and family and support along with a community that works to back eachother is what keeps people happy and a great deal of faith n luv. here grandparents are loved n respected and they live with their children when they are old. people die for each other here, they would go to the end of the world to help you here. and if ur car breaks down on the highway a thousand good men will stop to help. yes the education is not good, healthcare is horrible, sexual harrasment is a disaster, the traffic is a nightmare, and the recent revolution has created instability, yes its full of faults here but we love it and we have come to get addicted to it like a bad drug. i came back loving the crooked streets of my old city and the old buildings with all the dust on them because it seems and feels way deeper n more real here i feel whole and connected to reality. being in Cairo now it seems like America is another planet very far and very different. maybe cuz i grew up here and in my blood my country runs, i feel like a fish out of water when i am not on the beaches of egypt in the summer, when i dont hear the call of prayer in ramadan, when i dont visit the hussein mosque and drink karkade on a hot night of the summer, when im not surrounded by the buzz of my friends and family laughing and talking. my people stay up all night in the summer laughing and telling stories together n thats what i missed most.

the ya3qubian building that i live in

the yaqubian building that i live in ive been away was doing something big and important but im back to tell you about our crazy building the elevator was legally shut down by the police based on some judges judgement some where the man in the sixth floor sued the owner for not having a permit to use the elevator and now nobody can use them including him i fail to understand what good did it serve the crazy old dude on the sixth floor to make the whole building suffer first i thought great since i live on the fifth floor climbing up and down the stairs will increase my fitness and decrease my weight and i will lose the extra pounds then i realized all im losing is my good health first day was funny going up carrying my child and bags and then it became unbearable after a few weeks the old ladies with health problems are locked upstairs in their homes unable to go anywhere they say they are working on it to make it work again the old crazy man who was the reason the elevators dont work now went down with his gun threatened our porter to make the elevator work again our porter also threatened to kill the nutcase since he has signed a document to the police promising to keep it out of order crazy building so many details im leaving out but i just wanted to tell you its not easy climbing up and down the stairs carrying two kids and their bags everyday waiting for the silver lining great legs maybe some day soon but until then i just wanna say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and if ur elevator works count your blessings if you dont have a lunatic in your building who dramatically upscaled your suffering level phisically for no logical reason be thankful count your blessings you do not live in the ya3qubian building

deliverance art exhibition

Sunday, May 6, 2012 6:00pm until 10:00pm Cairo, Egypt Al Kahila art gallery 15 battal ahmed abdel aziz st mohandesin Cairo Egypt Exhibition title: Deliverance Art statement Deliverance: 1. The act of delivering or freeing from restraint, rescue, as the deliverance of a captive. 2. Act of bringing forth children. 3. The state of being delivered or freed from restraint. 4. Anything delivered or communicated esp. an opinion or decision expressed publicly. Many have asked me not to express myself and that the revolution has been worn out and that nobody wants to hear about it anymore but the revolution is inside us and I must deliver what is true. The state of women, freedom of expression and the cry for justice and mercy along with the deliverance of the unborn child! The children of the revolution are what this exhibition is about. An artist is often a sponge of their environment and to be a true artist he/she can not paint about what will sell rather than what is true. I paint what I feel without any other concern. A revolution that is yet to be delivered like a baby waiting to be born.